A Brief Lull? Use It!

I was inspired by a couple of blogs on what to do during boring meetings or conference calls. I agree with the writer that if you don't need to be there, you don't need to be there. Solve that.

Even in worthwhile, non-boring meetings there are lulls. At a conference, waiting for a talk to begin. A break between phone meetings. The time to sit and think while taking a bus, train, or plane. An alternative to fretting while waiting for that slow download.

The BNET blogger, Laura Vanderkam, got me started with one of her suggestions for a meeting: "Look around the room and think of one genuinely positive thought about each of the participants." I like that one. You will feel better and you can bet you will have better rapport in your interactions.

You are an energy source. You can take that moment of lull to be aware of the energy you are holding. If it is not what you want to feel or share, take the moment to breathe, listen to your inner dialogue and notice your mental images.

Ask what is needed to shift your mindset. Maybe what will come up is a problem to solve or an irritant you can re-frame or address. There may not be an immediate answer. At least you can label and file it for creative solutions later. Then free your mind to be in the present.

It's true that changing the inner conversation produces a change in results. Nonetheless, I sometimes find I can't get much change working at the level of my conscious internal dialogue.

In moments of quiet I may be able to pick up the smaller voice, the little nag or self-criticism that is so familiar I don't even notice it. Catching that thought during a lull in what I'm doing can lead to a hidden treasure in the form of old programming that I am ready to release. Later I can take time to journal or reflect or counsel with someone to help me let go of the deeper self-sabotage altogether.

Here are a few other handy fallback thoughts for when there's a lull.

Gratitude List. What am I grateful for today? Right now?

Top Priority. What is my main focus in work or personal life? Keep it in mind in random moments.

Messages to send. To whom do I want to send good wishes, a thank you, just a thought?

Intuition. Open to the sense of knowing, receptive to a deeper awareness. What idea or wisdom comes in as a thought or image? Maybe jot it down or ask further questions and let answers arise.

And the best of all: just breathe and be present. Enjoy being alive in this moment. Put attention on what you are experiencing with all your senses. Hush the voice that says you should be doing something more "productive."

A brief lull gives us a chance to remember that, as a favorite prayer says, "In this moment, all of my needs are met." Ahhhhh.

How to Break the Communication Barrier

Is there someone with whom you have built up a barrier to communication?

Perhaps you reached an impasse years ago and still work with this person. Perhaps you know what you want to say and do not feel you can say it, or maybe you are not clear at all. For whatever reason, there's a wall between you.

It's hard to talk with him or her, and it's different from the many work relationships where you and others get along fine.

If you would prefer that the wall weren't there, here are some steps to take.

First, what are your assumptions? We commonly assume that the correct solutions are obvious, the other person's position is unchangeable, that they are not rational, and that we have no responsibility for the breakdown.

Recognizing and questioning those assumptions can open the door for dialogue.

The next important step is to be careful NOT to jump in and give a good explanation of where you are coming from. Invite a conversation and then listen.

Listening through what the other person has to say may be difficult. Listen without interrupting, and with empathy.

If you find you are not able to listen through, take time to reflect. Maybe take out a piece of paper and write out your thoughts. Speak with a friend or communication coach to sort out what's in the way and to build the skill of listening well.

If you can do this, there are few barriers to communication that will stand.

Now and the Future

It’s easy to see that what we do today is creating our future. How else will we get where we want to go?

Since the only time we can take action is now, everything is really about the immediate moment.

We can take action in the present and have a sense, however clear or hazy, of where we want to go. The more we sense that today’s actions are leading toward a future we want, the more creative and productive we feel.

Radio host and psychic Hollis Polk recently pointed out a useful distinction in thinking about the present and the future. She said that sometimes we have a long-term goal that conflicts with our short-term reality. There may be times that NOT taking a step is a better choice, when other priorities are more important.

Wow. Do you, like me, criticize yourself for not achieving all your goals at once? I value my strategy of taking small steps toward major goals, and being consistent, so that I will reach the end. I have been revising our book, Smart Work, it seems for a long time now.

The most recent step has been to ask for feedback from readers. While that happens, I am not working on the book as consistently as I was. In the short term, this allows me to get some other projects under way. It also gives me a chance to return to editing the book with new perspective. I hope the product will be much improved.

With Hollis’s suggestion of separating the long-term goal and the immediate priorities, it’s easier to hush the internal nagging. In the bigger picture, progress is being made.

There are plenty of things I can do today that also lead to my long-term goals. One of them is to bring more clarity to what else I want to have in play when the book comes out.

Most readers of this column will recognize that inner push to achieve that can get us overly focused on a particular outcome. Even if I am not procrastinating, there is more to do than I have time for. It can feel like constant pressure. None of my tasks is more fun or comes out better because I am under pressure.

If I stop to breathe, feel gratitude in the present moment, and reflect on the bigger picture of who I am and what I want to do, I am getting somewhere too.

Remember that the connection between the short-term and the long-term does not have to be linear.
Enjoy your summer!

What Coaches Bring

Invaluable resources that help you get where you want to go

Some of the most important benefits of coaching may be the least quantifiable. Coaches come from a variety of backgrounds, different types of coach training, many motivations for wanting to help others in this way. Some of the gifts coaches bring are more tangible, some less obvious.
We can't always put our finger on exactly what made a difference. From the clients' perspective, it's the outcome that matters, in whatever way the coach helped them get there.

Some of the gifts coaches offer:

Listening. When the coach listens, the client has a witness. While talking about a situation, the client has an opportunity to sort through what is important and what is just a circular story. Through deep listening, the coach provides a safe space for exploration as well as the sense of being understood, which meets a profound need we all have. Goals that are spoken have added clarity and strength.

Discernment. The coach gets to know you and can offer feedback that is finely tuned to where you are. Discernment comes from experience and intuition. When you don't see how you are contributing to a negative situation, or holding back, or missing an opportunity, the coach's discernment calls it to your attention.

Expertise. Many coaches offer specific expertise, such as business, finance, speaking, sports performance, wellness, parenting, relationships, etc. At times a coach may give instruction or direct advice, observe you in action and give feedback, or recommend readings or trainings. While coaching is not the same as teaching, an expert coach can greatly accelerate learning.

Devotion. Coaches are devoted to their clients' success. They help define and hold the space for people to reach beyond their current level of skill, satisfaction, and accomplishment. When the client loses track or begins to flag, the coach is there to remind and redirect. The coach holds the client in positive esteem while mirroring the hopes and dreams that make the journey worthwhile. Coaches are there consistently while the world swirls around.

Creativity. When you run out of options, call on your coach to help break through to a new level of creativity. Whether as a sounding board, brainstorming partner, or cheering section, the coach helps keep creative juices flowing.

Each coach brings unique qualities and techniques to the process. Working with a coach in any field ensures that you have these resources available to you.

(This article originally appeared in the June newsletter of the Silicon Valley Coach Federation).

Are You Walking Your Talk?

What does it take to live up to our ideals?

We all hold certain theories about how people should behave, from our earliest family teachings to the great new technique we learned in a seminar. How fully do we put our theories into practice? It’s easy to see how others are behaving and not necessarily how we are.

We want to believe that we act according to our values. What happens when someone gives us feedback that they don’t experience that from us?

Often, we deny it, or say we didn’t mean it. Or do we take that feedback and really explore what kept us from acting as we believe we should?

Whether we espouse our theories of behavior to others or simply think them to ourselves, it takes effort and attention to get out of automatic responses and be conscious of what we do. Once conscious, it takes practice and sometimes mentorship or coaching to act consistently according to what we believe.

For example, there are plenty of people who don’t think you should speak negatively about someone behind their back. Even so, it’s easy to find instances where we may be venting our feelings and in the process trashing someone else.

Or we think of ourselves as being open and honest, and then find we are holding back information because we fear others' reactions.

Or we want to be compassionate and then someone steps on our last nerve and we feel justified as we snap their head off.

At that moment, theory holds no sway. We may or may not even be observers of our own behavior. It's amazing how much we can delete the aspects of what we do that we would not approve of in someone else.

Self-Assessment
Some people have a basic life position in which they feel superior – they see themselves as more likely to be responsible and effective than others.

Some think they do OK – most of the time, meeting their expectations and not being overly critical of themselves or others.

Some people assume they are falling short, and will find evidence to support their self-criticism.

No matter whether we believe in our superiority, adequacy, or inadequacy, the gap between our intentions and our actions may be equally large.

In fact, when we hold ourselves as superior, it may be harder for us to take in feedback that we aren’t living up to expectations. In this life position we may blunder on even more than someone who assumes they always need to do better.

Once we have recognized that it’s a continual process, not a one-time deal, to bring our intentions into practice, we can set up the internal and external support that we need. Then we are walking our talk more than we are in the common state of denial.

Awareness and willingness to take feedback and work on it are more important than having a perfect shining record that we have to defend.

A Space for Learning
To live up to our ideals, we need

permission for ourselves to make mistakes and to be aware of them,
permission for others to give us feedback,
and opportunities to try out new behaviors.

We also need unconditional support, i.e. to remind ourselves that we are OK and not damaged goods that have to be hidden or fixed.

Whatever our life positions (and tendencies to ask for help or not), a coach can accelerate our learning by helping us with that support, permission, and practice. And playfulness as well.

Acceptance without Complacency

A life paradox is that when we accept something in ourselves or others, it’s easier to change than if we continue to resist and criticize.

Thus a kind of moebius-strip thinking is required: we learn new ideas and hold certain values about how to be in the world, spoken aloud or to ourselves. We have to recognize the gap between where we are and where we want to be.

We need to make changes while accepting ourselves as we are.
That last part, accepting ourselves as we are, may be the bridge to walking our talk. It may also be the most challenging.

(Read this issue of the Syntax Messenger here.)

Meaningful Action

We want to know that we are having an effect

More than money, more than prestige, most of us are motivated by a sense of purpose, the sense that our actions make a difference. Our choices of when and where to act, and our definitions of what is meaningful, are as unique as we are.

When we feel in alignment with our sense of purpose, it is easy to move forward and gain traction. When we don’t – or when we are distracted by immediate conditions – we feel frustrated or resigned.

In many cases, it’s hard to know what effect our actions are having. This may be a result of our own fuzziness: we don’t know what we want. Or it may be a result of not getting feedback. In some workplaces, people can labor on for weeks without receiving responses to work they have submitted. They have to create some kind of meaning to keep going. Maybe we don’t know our effect because our vision is long-term and big-picture, and we see both progress and obstacles.

A SYNTAX skill that is good to have is the skill of defining goals and recognizing what is meaningful in them. Making evidence explicit gives us indicators of forward motion.

Not knowing what effect our actions are having could be the result of goals that are not well-formed: we are trying to have someone else change and no matter what we do, we are not in charge of that. It is a distraction from creating our own meaning.

At a very basic level, I can get feedback on actions I take – if I turn the corners of my mouth up, I feel happier (each time I re-read that, I like the result). As my goals get large, wanting to have an effect in the world, the results are less and less easy to control and harder to measure.

One of the unique aspects of our individual paths is the extent of the difference we want to make – and do make – in the world. Highly visible people, from politicians to rock stars to TV hosts, send huge ripples through the culture, though none can control the results.

All of us who are less famous have to use our own personal Nielsen ratings to know our reach and whether we have made the difference we want to make.

When we play in finite games,* i.e. those which have a set ending and certain rules, we can take home a trophy when we win. Our name will live on in memory as long as that kind of trophy lives on. Many people’s lives are meaningful because they are pursuing excellence and recognition in finite games.

We may play in finite games as part of a larger scheme of things, and the trophies are not where the meaning lies. We see some celebrities who demonstrate that, as they go beyond winning awards to becoming messengers. Tom Hanks, Oprah Winfrey, and Steve Martin are among those who come to mind.

When we play in infinite games; which are those that have no specific ending, have rules that evolve, and that aim for participation and for the continuation of play; the results are less predictable. This realm is where breakthroughs can occur.

However large a net we cast, we all want to know that we have an effect, preferably a positive one. The path to a positive effect may include having to hear negative feedback and use it as a learning step, making us aware of what we didn’t know that we didn’t know.

To feel that our actions are meaningful, we need to define what matters and go in that direction. It is helpful to find community with others, since we can feel alone in our unique journey.

It is also helpful to have sources of solid feedback for ourselves personally, for our causes, and for our organizations, so that the stories we weave on our journeys result in genuine contributions to the well-being of life.
One thing for sure: signals that our actions are having an effect help us thrive. It’s something we all want. Besides noticing how you are setting your own goals and gathering feedback, how can you provide motivating feedback to other people today? Your meaningful action will have a ripple effect.

(*See Finite and Infinite Games by James P. Karse for deep and extensive discussion of this concept.)

Knowing Our Limits

Finding the edge without falling over
If you set high expectations for yourself, you push until you reach a limit. It could be that you run out of time, or knowledge, or stamina. It could be that something breaks or doesn't work for what you need. This is part of everyday life for all of us in the techno-business-media world.

We live in narratives of unlimited possibility - you can do or be anything you set your mind to. And we have our limitations. How do we balance on the edge?
We are amazing creatures, to be able to manage the systems we deal with on a daily basis. Just think of all you have navigated so far today: car, computer (or several), cellphone. Did you visit Facebook or LinkedIn, and go through your email? Did you use a spreadsheet, a calendar, presentation software, and a word processor? And communicate effectively with family members and co-workers both near and far?
Last week I was listening to a talk about expanding our awareness and our recognition of how multidimensional we are. Later, in yoga class, the teacher asked us to hold the entire field of our body and all our sensations in mind at once. It was very enjoyable to feel the energy and potential available.

In my moment of expanded self-awareness, I decided that I would like to increase my compassion– beginning with kindness to myself as I held the more difficult poses!

Given the limitations of what I could physically perform, I was aware of my frustration and self-criticism. Pushing oneself in yoga or in any form of workout is a great chance to observe both limitations and how we respond to them. Often the frustration is something we just tolerate, without awareness or conscious choice.

When we are up against technology, i.e. computers and electronic communication, we get to deal with other kinds of limits. We are so blessed to have these extensions in the first place, and then we get to deal with their limitations!
In the flow of working on a team project, I received several email messages about attachments I had sent, due to having used Oracle's (formerly Sun's) Open Office program. I had not remembered that whenever I use this software I have to save it into the dominant software format for others to read it.
I imagined a dialogue with the makers of Open Office. They have certainly done their best to get their free software out there – no doubt working hard to make it compatible with other programs, enticing corporate customers to adopt it as a standard, asking for feedback. Yet, there are limits to their reach, which cascade out to their users and the users' networks. Their competitors are clearly not on board, not even offering to convert the files.

When confronted with these limits, we choose the workarounds that we can find most easily. Sometimes we jump through a lot of hoops to get from point A to point B.

In this material / technological world, no one knows enough to manage all of the systems. If we tried to learn them all, we would run into the limitation of time anyway. We just can't.

Whether the limitations are due to history (we can't change the programs too much or they won't be able to read earlier versions) or technical capabilities or competitive strategies or human frailty, we will keep encountering them as part of the overhead of progress.

Eric Berrne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, said that we are motivated by thinking we are irresistible, immortal, or omnipotent. Advertisers know this. It's popular to act as if there are no limits. Especially if you buy their product, subscribe to the belief system, attend their training.

Ironically, I like to quote Richard Bach's famous line, "Argue for your limitations, and they are yours." Today the message is more about gentleness and tolerance.

When we experience limitations we are reminded that we are not omnipotent. In fact, we live in a world so complex that we must overcome apparent limits all the time.

Without lapsing into self-pity, we can stop the criticism and channel the frustration. Despite the transformational hype, the limits to what we can do are not a reflection of inadequacy.

Rather, they can serve as reminders to be compassionate to ourselves and others, and to ask for help, sooner rather than later. One of the most valuable skills of a good coach is to help clarify our priorities. We will not overcome every limitation, and we need to address the ones that really keep us from the joy and satisfaction we seek.

As I began to put this together, reflecting on our limitations, the power went out. The full realization of our interdependence - and our shared limitations - comes when some system that we depend upon breaks down. I could still type on the one computer that had Open Office, as it was charged up. Couldn't get to anything on the desktop computers or online. This time I could get to the workaround and laugh about the coincidence of timing.

My hope is that as we are faced with many challenges and limitations, the seemingly individual ones and the collective ones, we will have enough humor and compassion to untangle ourselves and focus on what's really important - and what we CAN do.