2012: What It Means

Every new year is an opportunity to re-set our expectations, our intentions, and our attitude just by recognizing our movement through time. 2012 has been imbued with additional meaning, all the way from "the end of the world as we know it" to our more immediate issues of politics and social change. 

From the Mayan calendar we learn that we are in transition times from one cycle of almost thirty thousand years to the next one. It may be hard to believe that human beings could be tuned in to such long cycles that reach so long before our memories and so far into our future. 

 

We do know that we are part of larger cycles of time. Most recently, the Age of Aquarius was heralded as a time bringing in a new peaceful order. As we look and listen to what's happening now, it can seem that we are going in the other direction: unrest, poverty, climate change, civil and international wars. 

 

Some say that this is a stage of clearing. When you go into a room that has been darkened and you turn on the light, you may see a lot of dirt and cobwebs that were not visible before. I love our ability to reframe our experience so that we can be encouraged in the face of discouraging circumstances. 

 

There are many examples of how people rise above extremely tough times. Even when Viktor Frankl was held in a Nazi concentration camp, he refused to let his captors take away his dignity and hope for humanity. Christianity is built on the triumph of hope over despair in the story of Jesus. We have all probably been inspired by someone in our own lives whose light overcame darkness.

 

We are all capable of that kind of transformation. Even on a minor scale, without being imprisoned or crucified, we have the choice of turning on a light for ourselves and for others.

 

We may need reminders of this on a regular basis. I know I do. Whether it comes in the form of a notable year, a moment in time, or inspiration through challenges near or far, it is up to each of us to pay attention to the reminders.

 

Whatever the large-scale events, threats, or calendars bring to us, transformation comes back to being a personal choice. As we enter 2012, how willing are you to clear out negativity, reach out to people who could use your help, and "be the change you want to see in the world"?

 

Listen to how you speak, be aware that each action has a ripple effect, and remember that we are all in this together. That will give meaning to the year 2012 for you and those around you without having to know whether the Mayan calendar or any other cosmic turnings really hold sway.

 

I personally like the message of the book 2012: The Transformation from the Love of Power to the Power of Love by Robert Roskind with Mayan elder Tata Pedro Cruz, which shares the ancient knowledge for our modern time.

 

That is my wish for you, dear reader, that your life will be filled with the Power of Love in 2012.

Gaining Influence in Your Career - Interview by Tony DeBlauwe

http://www.examiner.com/human-resources-in-san-francisco/gaining-influence-your-career
Please visit, enjoy the article, and leave a comment there!

Choosing Happiness

What is happiness? What does it take to be happy? We all want to feel happy. Do we know how?
It seems we were born knowing how. Babies show their feelings -- and happiness is definitely among them.

Sometimes we fall out of the state of happiness and want to find ways to get back there. Various aspects of these Happy Holidays can be stressful, including basic things like bad weather, traffic, or too much to do.

Well-known NLP (Neurolinguistic Programming) author and trainer Suzi Smith spoke about happiness on a webinar this week. Happiness has been shown to increase longevity, and has health benefits, in addition to being desirable in itself.

She reminded us of several basic NLP techniques for returning to a happy state of mind. One was to become conscious of the content of our thoughts. If they are negative, change to positive content. For instance, when you make a mistake, look for solutions and learning rather than beating yourself up. The important thing is to become conscious of those negative thoughts.

Suzi told some good stories and used NLP anchoring to give us the choice of waking up to a happy day when our feet first hit the floor in the morning. Thanks, Suzi, for that holiday gift!

There is so much in NLP, and in Suzi's wisdom, that she was able to go over many useful strategies even in a short session.

One of the interesting things that came up was a participant, I think from Germany, saying that his clients ask, "But what about all the things I have to do?" I think how we handle that question is the key to maintaining a happy state of mind.

Thinking about what I have to do has several drawbacks. One is that it can take me out of my body and the immediate present. Another is that it can invoke worry about future actions. I can start feeling stressed and under time pressure. The feeling of being rushed and having too much to do gets in the way of my feeling happy.

The positive intention behind thinking about what I have to do, i.e., getting me to do it, is worthwhile. I do want to be motivated to take care of my responsibilities and accomplish my dreams.

This intention can be accomplished with joy. I find it easier to do it with joy if I connect with my real motivation - the reason I have to do whatever it is.

In most cases, what I have to do is to keep myself and my loved ones happy and well. That is a joyful prospect and I am glad to do it. I appreciate the reminders that bring me back to that awareness.

Yesterday at a meeting of the South Bay OD Network, speaker Karen Colligan brought up happiness in the context of work. She had us think about a time we loved what we were doing. It's great to be able to have that kind of feeling while earning a living.

If it turns out that your job is not what you totally love doing, you have the choice of focusing on the things it allows you to do that you do love.

My work has some parts I don't love doing. It helps me to be happy doing them when I step into the feeling I'll have when they are done. And then remember to savor it when it really is done. I just love that cleared-off desk!

OK, you probably have much bigger things to be happy about than clearing your desk. Focus on those!

Happiness is contagious. Research on social networks* has shown that we are 15% more likely to be happy if someone we are directly connected with is happy, and 10% if a friend of a friend is happy. We are even 6% more likely to say we are happy if our friend's friend's friend is happy. Even if we haven't met them. The researchers conclude that "having more friends is not enough--having more happy friends is the key to our own emotional well-being."

So let this note be a reminder to be conscious of your thoughts, choose happiness, and be sure to spread it around.

*From the book Connected by Nicholas A. Christakis, MD, PhD, and James H. Fowler, PhD. 2009.

Gratitude and Renewal

Lagging behind Canada by more than a month, we in the US will be celebrating Thanksgiving tomorrow. For most, it's a big family, food, and football day.

It's also a time to appreciate the good in our lives. It turns out that we are making ourselves happier and more effective when we are grateful.

The Rutgers University newsletter tells us that "Expressing or feeling genuine appreciation can have a powerful influence on emotional outlook, psychological well-being, interpersonal bonds and even problem-solving, according to Rutgers psychologist Nancy Fagley, who conducts research on appreciativeness."

An important point in the article is that appreciation can be learned. We need to exercise those muscles of appreciation to counteract the tendency to take things and people for granted.

Whether with family and friends or by yourself, you can renew your feelings of gratitude in many ways.

Here are some ideas:

1. The gratitude list. Start a list of what you appreciate. Keep it at hand for reading and for adding more.
2. Think of a few things you are grateful for before going to sleep at night. This seems to increase a sense of satisfaction with life.
3. Start a round of appreciation at the Thanksgiving table. Everyone says something for which they are thankful this year.
4. Write a thank-you note. When was the last time you did that without being obligated to?
5. When someone thanks you, rather than quickly dismissing it with an "It was nothing," take it in, savor it, and mean it when you say, "You are welcome."

Writing this reminds me of how much I appreciate my family and friends, the place that I live, the work I get to do, and you, for taking the time to read the Messenger.

I wish you time for gratitude and renewal throughout the holiday season.

How to Get Out of the Drama

We say we don’t want drama in our lives, especially in our interactions at work. Drama usually means unpleasantness, frustration, conflict, lack of productivity.

If it meant “real drama,” i.e. the joy and sadness of life, or dramatic performances that make us feel and reflect, it would be OK. It’s the unnecessary drama, the interpersonal politics, the constant irritants that we don’t want. They take up energy and distract us from getting important things done.

WHY is there drama?

As any team member or manager knows, people tend to play non-productive games in times of stress, when they feel threatened, or when they are bored.

Some people can stir up tension with remarkable regularity. Others fall into drama in response to triggers such as layoffs, new policies, rumors of closings or reorganizations, complaints, and either getting too much direction or too little, either too much feedback or too little.

In other words, workplace drama has plenty of possible material. If asked, most people would say they don’t participate or don’t want to.

We all play games some of the time.

Few people are skillful at recognizing their own hooks that get games started or keep them going. Dr. Eric Berne’s 1962 bestseller, Games People Play, named this phenomenon and began to provide clues to getting out of the drama. His student, Dr. Steve Karpman, contributed the Karpman Drama Triangle, capturing the three main roles of Rescuer, Persecutor, and Victim, which we all play when we engage in games. And yes, we all do engage in games some of the time.

The more hooked we are, the harder it may be to recognize that we are indeed participating. It is helpful in avoiding games to be very open to recognizing how we are hooked and the roles we play out.

Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim Roles

If we are overtly critical and harsh with others, we are playing the Persecutor role. If we are often going out of our way to fix and solve things for others at our own expense, we are playing the Rescuer. If we keep finding that people let us down and we get the short end of the stick, we know something of the Victim.

As a rule, we do not want to see it when we are hooked, so it can take active investigation to uncover how we are keeping an undesirable situation going. All these roles can come in socially acceptable disguises.

If something’s happening that is non-productive, especially if it seems repetitive, it’s likely that people are playing all the roles; Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor; in some way.

Dissolve the myths

The way out of the drama begins with yourself. You have to dissolve the myths that go with the roles, usually beliefs that diminish your ability to stay positive and get on with it.

· To move out of Persecutor, you might have to see that the other person’s point of view makes some sense too.

· Moving out of Rescuer might mean saying a difficult “No.”

· Whenever you think you are someone else’s Victim, remember how you got here and what choices you are making now.

Almost always, drama conceals feelings and wishes that have not been communicated. Unspoken requests and expectations leave room for people to create their own dramas, feeling judged and thus victimized, or judging others from a persecuting or rescuing perspective.

Clarify requests and agreements

A very good bet for stepping out of the drama and on to whatever is next is to clarify any requests or agreements that you have with the other person. “You agreed to have that report done by today and I haven’t seen anything about it so far. Is it under way?” is a lot better than worrying and glaring, and having the other person spend their time figuring out what you might be upset about.

A genuine tone of clarifying, rather than a disguised Persecutor or Rescuer attitude, will come across as intended. If you step into the other person’s shoes and listen from their standpoint, you can probably tell if you are coming across with a hint of judgment.
This is the hardest and most important part of stopping drama -- owning your part of it.

Don’t see your part of it?

When your part is hard to figure out, and the drama is continuing, it is time to ask a friend or a professional for coaching. Someone else’s observations may help you recognize the unintended, unconscious, but still active, ways that you are participating, and help you see new options.

One thing for sure: if you blame the situation or the other person and don’t find new actions for yourself to take, your claim not to want the drama doesn’t hold up.

Once you, and hopefully, the other person, are out of the cycle of drama, it might be worth a good laugh and a reminder not to take anything too seriously.

Read the whole newsletter here.

Reaching Consensus in a Crowd

You may have seen in recent news the so-called “people’s mike” in demonstrations on Wall Street and around the US. This caught my attention. It began as a result of the demonstrators not being allowed to use a P.A. system.
Whoever is speaking says a phrase or two and the people standing there repeat what was said so the larger group can hear it. It is pretty dramatic for the words to be broadcast not by electronics but by other people.

As a facilitator, I am always interested in group process, in what tools we have to communicate effectively with each other.

The Occupy Wall Street group in San Francisco holds General Assembly meetings in a park near the Federal Reserve. I had an opportunity to experience their decision-making process for about half an hour. That allowed me to get the basics of how people are chosen to speak, how they facilitate interaction, and how they can reach consensus in a fluid crowd of passionate individuals.
Anyone who has pulled together a project or led events or meetings has had to deal with fluid crowds and / or passionate individuals. I wondered how it was possible to keep it focused out in the open air with a diverse, self-organizing group of people.

This group in San Francisco had basic assumptions that everyone had equal rights to speak and respond, and had a voice in making decisions. With those values, they elected someone to facilitate who explained the signals they used. The structure of how to reach consensus in a group was revealed.
The way people got to speak is that they signed up in order. One volunteer took charge of keeping track of who was to speak, “the stack.” They had timekeepers with signs to let people know when they had 30 seconds or 15 seconds left.

What I found most interesting was the mechanism for how people could express their response to the speaker. If you wanted to give a direct response, you wagged your two index fingers back and forth, pointing at yourself and the speaker. This wasn’t to be used to express disagreement but to answer a question or ask a question directly. If you want to speak your own point of view and disagree, you line up in the stack.

While someone is speaking, the crowd expresses its responses, making this a very active way of hearing speakers. If you want to show your response, you can, or you can just listen. To respond affirmatively, you wave both hands in the air with your palms toward the speaker. If you are responding negatively, you hold up crossed arms.

Decisions were made by consensus, not by majority vote. The facilitator explained that to say yes, thumbs up. To say you are not in favor but don’t want to block the action, you point a thumb to the side. If you want to block the action, you hold up a thumbs-down. The facilitator had to read the thumbs. If there were lots of thumbs up, before moving on he would say, “Are there any thumbs-down that I can’t see?”
If someone wanted to block a motion, they would be asked to say why, and they would work it out with the proponents of the action until the group reached agreement.

Certainly in this group, patience was required to stick it out. For people who had committed to camp near the Fed, they had time to work through every point with the group. For a business meeting, I might suggest employing some of the tactics (well, maybe the handwaving and crossed arms could be kept out in the park) that would create inclusion and ownership of results. The method of asking for “thumbs-down” and an explanation is a good way to keep the thinking open and robust.
In online meetings and teleconferences, some form of this can happen when the platform allows responses, polling, and other means of interaction. More real-time visibility, feedback, and input methods encourage remote participants to feel empowered and to contribute.

For me, it was inspiring to see people in a crowd work well and participatively with each other. We don’t always need a commander in charge. A skilled facilitator, on the other hand, enables any number of people to think and act together.

Being Influential

Do you have good ideas? Are you sometimes frustrated when they go nowhere? What do you do when you run up against resistance or just can’t seem to get a response?

For problems to get solved, for innovation to occur, for collaboration to grow out of conflict; new ideas and solutions are needed.
And yet, it may be difficult to dislodge the status quo or even get a hearing for a new idea. Organizational decision-making can be complex or unclear. A lack of confidence in yourself, your ideas, or your standing may hold you back.

Alternatively, when you do succeed in making a difference, you feel good, and valued, and that your work is worthwhile. Things may not be perfect where you work but they are moving in a good direction. Influence is a motivator.

Being influential is not merely a result of position power. Influence is a set of skills that can be learned and that need to be honed as you grow in your career. SYNTAX is the result of modeling and distilling the crucial ways of acting and being that create influence. It exists to help people with good ideas get them across and acted upon.

Take something that you would like to have happen in your workplace, an idea you would like considered, a solution you can offer. What are the first thoughts that come to mind? Here are the seeds of your own personal syntax, the kernel of how you organize for influence. Starting from there, SYNTAX helps you bring your contribution to others so that they can get on board, make decisions, and take action.

As a launch pad, answer these questions about your idea.

What do I want to happen?

What will that get me / you / us?

How will we know – what specific evidence will tell us – when this is done?

Outstanding influencers can answer these questions for themselves and for the people they want to reach. Knowing everyone's intention, motivation, and evidence creates the needed focus for forward motion. This comes from Plan, one of the five SYNTAX skill sets.

When you can answer these three questions for any idea you want to bring forward, your influence is guaranteed to increase. Your ability to influence increases exponentially when you add in the other four skill sets. Your personal syntax becomes supercharged for influence.

We’re here to provide tools and guidance for you to create your unique roadmap with your own personal syntax as a starting point. That’s the purpose of the Messenger, and the purpose of SYNTAX courses, coaching, and consulting.
Join the influential people who have found out how much more of a difference they can make when they put SYNTAX to work for them. And today, enjoy the benefit of asking yourself “the three questions” for something you care about.

A Brief Lull? Use It!

I was inspired by a couple of blogs on what to do during boring meetings or conference calls. I agree with the writer that if you don't need to be there, you don't need to be there. Solve that.

Even in worthwhile, non-boring meetings there are lulls. At a conference, waiting for a talk to begin. A break between phone meetings. The time to sit and think while taking a bus, train, or plane. An alternative to fretting while waiting for that slow download.

The BNET blogger, Laura Vanderkam, got me started with one of her suggestions for a meeting: "Look around the room and think of one genuinely positive thought about each of the participants." I like that one. You will feel better and you can bet you will have better rapport in your interactions.

You are an energy source. You can take that moment of lull to be aware of the energy you are holding. If it is not what you want to feel or share, take the moment to breathe, listen to your inner dialogue and notice your mental images.

Ask what is needed to shift your mindset. Maybe what will come up is a problem to solve or an irritant you can re-frame or address. There may not be an immediate answer. At least you can label and file it for creative solutions later. Then free your mind to be in the present.

It's true that changing the inner conversation produces a change in results. Nonetheless, I sometimes find I can't get much change working at the level of my conscious internal dialogue.

In moments of quiet I may be able to pick up the smaller voice, the little nag or self-criticism that is so familiar I don't even notice it. Catching that thought during a lull in what I'm doing can lead to a hidden treasure in the form of old programming that I am ready to release. Later I can take time to journal or reflect or counsel with someone to help me let go of the deeper self-sabotage altogether.

Here are a few other handy fallback thoughts for when there's a lull.

Gratitude List. What am I grateful for today? Right now?

Top Priority. What is my main focus in work or personal life? Keep it in mind in random moments.

Messages to send. To whom do I want to send good wishes, a thank you, just a thought?

Intuition. Open to the sense of knowing, receptive to a deeper awareness. What idea or wisdom comes in as a thought or image? Maybe jot it down or ask further questions and let answers arise.

And the best of all: just breathe and be present. Enjoy being alive in this moment. Put attention on what you are experiencing with all your senses. Hush the voice that says you should be doing something more "productive."

A brief lull gives us a chance to remember that, as a favorite prayer says, "In this moment, all of my needs are met." Ahhhhh.

How to Break the Communication Barrier

Is there someone with whom you have built up a barrier to communication?

Perhaps you reached an impasse years ago and still work with this person. Perhaps you know what you want to say and do not feel you can say it, or maybe you are not clear at all. For whatever reason, there's a wall between you.

It's hard to talk with him or her, and it's different from the many work relationships where you and others get along fine.

If you would prefer that the wall weren't there, here are some steps to take.

First, what are your assumptions? We commonly assume that the correct solutions are obvious, the other person's position is unchangeable, that they are not rational, and that we have no responsibility for the breakdown.

Recognizing and questioning those assumptions can open the door for dialogue.

The next important step is to be careful NOT to jump in and give a good explanation of where you are coming from. Invite a conversation and then listen.

Listening through what the other person has to say may be difficult. Listen without interrupting, and with empathy.

If you find you are not able to listen through, take time to reflect. Maybe take out a piece of paper and write out your thoughts. Speak with a friend or communication coach to sort out what's in the way and to build the skill of listening well.

If you can do this, there are few barriers to communication that will stand.

Now and the Future

It’s easy to see that what we do today is creating our future. How else will we get where we want to go?

Since the only time we can take action is now, everything is really about the immediate moment.

We can take action in the present and have a sense, however clear or hazy, of where we want to go. The more we sense that today’s actions are leading toward a future we want, the more creative and productive we feel.

Radio host and psychic Hollis Polk recently pointed out a useful distinction in thinking about the present and the future. She said that sometimes we have a long-term goal that conflicts with our short-term reality. There may be times that NOT taking a step is a better choice, when other priorities are more important.

Wow. Do you, like me, criticize yourself for not achieving all your goals at once? I value my strategy of taking small steps toward major goals, and being consistent, so that I will reach the end. I have been revising our book, Smart Work, it seems for a long time now.

The most recent step has been to ask for feedback from readers. While that happens, I am not working on the book as consistently as I was. In the short term, this allows me to get some other projects under way. It also gives me a chance to return to editing the book with new perspective. I hope the product will be much improved.

With Hollis’s suggestion of separating the long-term goal and the immediate priorities, it’s easier to hush the internal nagging. In the bigger picture, progress is being made.

There are plenty of things I can do today that also lead to my long-term goals. One of them is to bring more clarity to what else I want to have in play when the book comes out.

Most readers of this column will recognize that inner push to achieve that can get us overly focused on a particular outcome. Even if I am not procrastinating, there is more to do than I have time for. It can feel like constant pressure. None of my tasks is more fun or comes out better because I am under pressure.

If I stop to breathe, feel gratitude in the present moment, and reflect on the bigger picture of who I am and what I want to do, I am getting somewhere too.

Remember that the connection between the short-term and the long-term does not have to be linear.
Enjoy your summer!

What Coaches Bring

Invaluable resources that help you get where you want to go

Some of the most important benefits of coaching may be the least quantifiable. Coaches come from a variety of backgrounds, different types of coach training, many motivations for wanting to help others in this way. Some of the gifts coaches bring are more tangible, some less obvious.
We can't always put our finger on exactly what made a difference. From the clients' perspective, it's the outcome that matters, in whatever way the coach helped them get there.

Some of the gifts coaches offer:

Listening. When the coach listens, the client has a witness. While talking about a situation, the client has an opportunity to sort through what is important and what is just a circular story. Through deep listening, the coach provides a safe space for exploration as well as the sense of being understood, which meets a profound need we all have. Goals that are spoken have added clarity and strength.

Discernment. The coach gets to know you and can offer feedback that is finely tuned to where you are. Discernment comes from experience and intuition. When you don't see how you are contributing to a negative situation, or holding back, or missing an opportunity, the coach's discernment calls it to your attention.

Expertise. Many coaches offer specific expertise, such as business, finance, speaking, sports performance, wellness, parenting, relationships, etc. At times a coach may give instruction or direct advice, observe you in action and give feedback, or recommend readings or trainings. While coaching is not the same as teaching, an expert coach can greatly accelerate learning.

Devotion. Coaches are devoted to their clients' success. They help define and hold the space for people to reach beyond their current level of skill, satisfaction, and accomplishment. When the client loses track or begins to flag, the coach is there to remind and redirect. The coach holds the client in positive esteem while mirroring the hopes and dreams that make the journey worthwhile. Coaches are there consistently while the world swirls around.

Creativity. When you run out of options, call on your coach to help break through to a new level of creativity. Whether as a sounding board, brainstorming partner, or cheering section, the coach helps keep creative juices flowing.

Each coach brings unique qualities and techniques to the process. Working with a coach in any field ensures that you have these resources available to you.

(This article originally appeared in the June newsletter of the Silicon Valley Coach Federation).

Are You Walking Your Talk?

What does it take to live up to our ideals?

We all hold certain theories about how people should behave, from our earliest family teachings to the great new technique we learned in a seminar. How fully do we put our theories into practice? It’s easy to see how others are behaving and not necessarily how we are.

We want to believe that we act according to our values. What happens when someone gives us feedback that they don’t experience that from us?

Often, we deny it, or say we didn’t mean it. Or do we take that feedback and really explore what kept us from acting as we believe we should?

Whether we espouse our theories of behavior to others or simply think them to ourselves, it takes effort and attention to get out of automatic responses and be conscious of what we do. Once conscious, it takes practice and sometimes mentorship or coaching to act consistently according to what we believe.

For example, there are plenty of people who don’t think you should speak negatively about someone behind their back. Even so, it’s easy to find instances where we may be venting our feelings and in the process trashing someone else.

Or we think of ourselves as being open and honest, and then find we are holding back information because we fear others' reactions.

Or we want to be compassionate and then someone steps on our last nerve and we feel justified as we snap their head off.

At that moment, theory holds no sway. We may or may not even be observers of our own behavior. It's amazing how much we can delete the aspects of what we do that we would not approve of in someone else.

Self-Assessment
Some people have a basic life position in which they feel superior – they see themselves as more likely to be responsible and effective than others.

Some think they do OK – most of the time, meeting their expectations and not being overly critical of themselves or others.

Some people assume they are falling short, and will find evidence to support their self-criticism.

No matter whether we believe in our superiority, adequacy, or inadequacy, the gap between our intentions and our actions may be equally large.

In fact, when we hold ourselves as superior, it may be harder for us to take in feedback that we aren’t living up to expectations. In this life position we may blunder on even more than someone who assumes they always need to do better.

Once we have recognized that it’s a continual process, not a one-time deal, to bring our intentions into practice, we can set up the internal and external support that we need. Then we are walking our talk more than we are in the common state of denial.

Awareness and willingness to take feedback and work on it are more important than having a perfect shining record that we have to defend.

A Space for Learning
To live up to our ideals, we need

permission for ourselves to make mistakes and to be aware of them,
permission for others to give us feedback,
and opportunities to try out new behaviors.

We also need unconditional support, i.e. to remind ourselves that we are OK and not damaged goods that have to be hidden or fixed.

Whatever our life positions (and tendencies to ask for help or not), a coach can accelerate our learning by helping us with that support, permission, and practice. And playfulness as well.

Acceptance without Complacency

A life paradox is that when we accept something in ourselves or others, it’s easier to change than if we continue to resist and criticize.

Thus a kind of moebius-strip thinking is required: we learn new ideas and hold certain values about how to be in the world, spoken aloud or to ourselves. We have to recognize the gap between where we are and where we want to be.

We need to make changes while accepting ourselves as we are.
That last part, accepting ourselves as we are, may be the bridge to walking our talk. It may also be the most challenging.

(Read this issue of the Syntax Messenger here.)

Meaningful Action

We want to know that we are having an effect

More than money, more than prestige, most of us are motivated by a sense of purpose, the sense that our actions make a difference. Our choices of when and where to act, and our definitions of what is meaningful, are as unique as we are.

When we feel in alignment with our sense of purpose, it is easy to move forward and gain traction. When we don’t – or when we are distracted by immediate conditions – we feel frustrated or resigned.

In many cases, it’s hard to know what effect our actions are having. This may be a result of our own fuzziness: we don’t know what we want. Or it may be a result of not getting feedback. In some workplaces, people can labor on for weeks without receiving responses to work they have submitted. They have to create some kind of meaning to keep going. Maybe we don’t know our effect because our vision is long-term and big-picture, and we see both progress and obstacles.

A SYNTAX skill that is good to have is the skill of defining goals and recognizing what is meaningful in them. Making evidence explicit gives us indicators of forward motion.

Not knowing what effect our actions are having could be the result of goals that are not well-formed: we are trying to have someone else change and no matter what we do, we are not in charge of that. It is a distraction from creating our own meaning.

At a very basic level, I can get feedback on actions I take – if I turn the corners of my mouth up, I feel happier (each time I re-read that, I like the result). As my goals get large, wanting to have an effect in the world, the results are less and less easy to control and harder to measure.

One of the unique aspects of our individual paths is the extent of the difference we want to make – and do make – in the world. Highly visible people, from politicians to rock stars to TV hosts, send huge ripples through the culture, though none can control the results.

All of us who are less famous have to use our own personal Nielsen ratings to know our reach and whether we have made the difference we want to make.

When we play in finite games,* i.e. those which have a set ending and certain rules, we can take home a trophy when we win. Our name will live on in memory as long as that kind of trophy lives on. Many people’s lives are meaningful because they are pursuing excellence and recognition in finite games.

We may play in finite games as part of a larger scheme of things, and the trophies are not where the meaning lies. We see some celebrities who demonstrate that, as they go beyond winning awards to becoming messengers. Tom Hanks, Oprah Winfrey, and Steve Martin are among those who come to mind.

When we play in infinite games; which are those that have no specific ending, have rules that evolve, and that aim for participation and for the continuation of play; the results are less predictable. This realm is where breakthroughs can occur.

However large a net we cast, we all want to know that we have an effect, preferably a positive one. The path to a positive effect may include having to hear negative feedback and use it as a learning step, making us aware of what we didn’t know that we didn’t know.

To feel that our actions are meaningful, we need to define what matters and go in that direction. It is helpful to find community with others, since we can feel alone in our unique journey.

It is also helpful to have sources of solid feedback for ourselves personally, for our causes, and for our organizations, so that the stories we weave on our journeys result in genuine contributions to the well-being of life.
One thing for sure: signals that our actions are having an effect help us thrive. It’s something we all want. Besides noticing how you are setting your own goals and gathering feedback, how can you provide motivating feedback to other people today? Your meaningful action will have a ripple effect.

(*See Finite and Infinite Games by James P. Karse for deep and extensive discussion of this concept.)

Knowing Our Limits

Finding the edge without falling over
If you set high expectations for yourself, you push until you reach a limit. It could be that you run out of time, or knowledge, or stamina. It could be that something breaks or doesn't work for what you need. This is part of everyday life for all of us in the techno-business-media world.

We live in narratives of unlimited possibility - you can do or be anything you set your mind to. And we have our limitations. How do we balance on the edge?
We are amazing creatures, to be able to manage the systems we deal with on a daily basis. Just think of all you have navigated so far today: car, computer (or several), cellphone. Did you visit Facebook or LinkedIn, and go through your email? Did you use a spreadsheet, a calendar, presentation software, and a word processor? And communicate effectively with family members and co-workers both near and far?
Last week I was listening to a talk about expanding our awareness and our recognition of how multidimensional we are. Later, in yoga class, the teacher asked us to hold the entire field of our body and all our sensations in mind at once. It was very enjoyable to feel the energy and potential available.

In my moment of expanded self-awareness, I decided that I would like to increase my compassion– beginning with kindness to myself as I held the more difficult poses!

Given the limitations of what I could physically perform, I was aware of my frustration and self-criticism. Pushing oneself in yoga or in any form of workout is a great chance to observe both limitations and how we respond to them. Often the frustration is something we just tolerate, without awareness or conscious choice.

When we are up against technology, i.e. computers and electronic communication, we get to deal with other kinds of limits. We are so blessed to have these extensions in the first place, and then we get to deal with their limitations!
In the flow of working on a team project, I received several email messages about attachments I had sent, due to having used Oracle's (formerly Sun's) Open Office program. I had not remembered that whenever I use this software I have to save it into the dominant software format for others to read it.
I imagined a dialogue with the makers of Open Office. They have certainly done their best to get their free software out there – no doubt working hard to make it compatible with other programs, enticing corporate customers to adopt it as a standard, asking for feedback. Yet, there are limits to their reach, which cascade out to their users and the users' networks. Their competitors are clearly not on board, not even offering to convert the files.

When confronted with these limits, we choose the workarounds that we can find most easily. Sometimes we jump through a lot of hoops to get from point A to point B.

In this material / technological world, no one knows enough to manage all of the systems. If we tried to learn them all, we would run into the limitation of time anyway. We just can't.

Whether the limitations are due to history (we can't change the programs too much or they won't be able to read earlier versions) or technical capabilities or competitive strategies or human frailty, we will keep encountering them as part of the overhead of progress.

Eric Berrne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, said that we are motivated by thinking we are irresistible, immortal, or omnipotent. Advertisers know this. It's popular to act as if there are no limits. Especially if you buy their product, subscribe to the belief system, attend their training.

Ironically, I like to quote Richard Bach's famous line, "Argue for your limitations, and they are yours." Today the message is more about gentleness and tolerance.

When we experience limitations we are reminded that we are not omnipotent. In fact, we live in a world so complex that we must overcome apparent limits all the time.

Without lapsing into self-pity, we can stop the criticism and channel the frustration. Despite the transformational hype, the limits to what we can do are not a reflection of inadequacy.

Rather, they can serve as reminders to be compassionate to ourselves and others, and to ask for help, sooner rather than later. One of the most valuable skills of a good coach is to help clarify our priorities. We will not overcome every limitation, and we need to address the ones that really keep us from the joy and satisfaction we seek.

As I began to put this together, reflecting on our limitations, the power went out. The full realization of our interdependence - and our shared limitations - comes when some system that we depend upon breaks down. I could still type on the one computer that had Open Office, as it was charged up. Couldn't get to anything on the desktop computers or online. This time I could get to the workaround and laugh about the coincidence of timing.

My hope is that as we are faced with many challenges and limitations, the seemingly individual ones and the collective ones, we will have enough humor and compassion to untangle ourselves and focus on what's really important - and what we CAN do.

Send It Again, Sam!

Research supports repetition
If you really want to get something done, walk down the hall or pick up the phone, send an email and follow up with a text. That’s what a project manager in a recent study did to make sure that her message got through.

Turns out that the more we ask, and the more channels we use, the more likely we are to get action. Clarity of requests is not as essential as repetition (even though we at Syntax still strongly favor clear requests!).

Harvard Business School’s Working Knowledge newsletter reported on the surprising results of a study by professors at Harvard and Northwestern. They shadowed 13 project managers across three industries for a total of 256 hours, examining media, timing, and power.

One interesting aspect of the study was that messages to nudge people into action communicated a threat of what would happen if they didn’t act quickly. These were project managers under pressure. They apparently transmitted the urgency they were feeling. Some spelled out the threat, others made it evident more indirectly.

Authority Is No Guarantee

How often and how creatively the requesters communicated varied first of all with their position power.

The managers with direct authority tended to ask once, or maybe twice, maybe just in an email message.

Their messages told recipients of the negative consequences they wanted to avert. It didn’t work very well. These managers more often had to do damage control because the action they counted on was not in fact done.
Other managers who had to influence without direct authority took more initiative and used more channels to communicate. They were the ones who made personal requests and then used other media.

A nuance in the communication was that these managers often conveyed the threat indirectly, leaving it up to the recipient to recognize the urgency. The number of messages and the use of various media increased the odds of the message getting a response.
Go Ahead, Ask Again

Bottom line is a reminder of the adage we heard many years ago: instructions have to be given at least three times. We follow that to advantage when teaching SYNTAX courses.

As they said in Working Knowledge, perhaps it isn’t nagging. Or maybe it is, and it’s just what you have to do in this overly stimulating world of workplace communication!

Either way: be prepared to send crucial information and requests more than once, in more than one medium, if you want people to respond.

Fair Exchange

What is "fair" and why does it matter?
Joan, who works as a professional organizer, was puzzled when she would offer to help someone out at no charge, then they wouldn’t even show for the scheduled appointment.

Harold, a psychic friend, offered free readings to prospective clients. He found that the ones who called for free never went on to become paying clients.

If you have ever staged a free event, you know that the actual attendance is usually smaller than the number of people who say they will come.

Health care workers who give free sessions may find that the recipients don’t actually get better. Counselors who proffer too much know the result of giving free advice. The person can seem to take your advice and then make the situation even worse because of how they use it! And then, of course, the bad advice you gave is at fault.

It is not unusual for people in the helping professions to feel dubious about asking for money. Whether it is a concern that the value will not be enough to warrant the fee, a sense of not deserving it, guilt for asking, or fear of disapproval, embarrassment, or rejection, it may seem easier to give service away for free or at a discount. Then, having the person not show up or not benefit from what you have given away is a letdown, reinforcing the perception that the service did not have value.

When we give our services away, a funny thing happens. Ramona DiDomenico, founder of the Institute for Transformational Facilitation in Lake Tahoe, first called my attention to this phenomenon. As Ramona pointed out, at a deep level, people actually prefer fair exchange over being out of balance.

Insisting that someone exchange something for your services is not a sign of greed or of a lack of generosity. It is a way to ensure that the value you intend to give is actually received. It is an opportunity for the receiver to recognize the value of investing in themselves.

In negotiation, we understand what it means to say that someone “has skin in the game.” If they have nothing at stake, they will actually bring the value down in their own minds to create a condition of fair exchange.

Business traditions can produce imbalance in the other direction. An old friend of mine had a bias about negotiating being a win-lose proposition. He had been raised in a traditional sales mindset. He always wanted to have the advantage in any deal that he did. His short term gains made others reluctant to negotiate with him over time.

The belief that we should always try to get the better end of the deal goes pretty deep in business cultures. Getting a good deal, and being able to step into the other person’s shoes to ensure that it really works for them too, results in a better deal and a better relationship for both.

In the age of internet marketing, there are many “free” offers out there. We need to realize that the exchange is for our contact information, our attention, and the possibility that we or those in our circle of influence will buy. Free events ask for your time and participation. I know some people who charge a fee for registrants only if they don’t show up.

Many currencies other than money can produce fair exchange. Sometimes we give just for the pleasure of helping. As long as it isn’t a discount to the service or the recipient, and we are not awaiting some form of payback, generosity can be its own reward. Sometimes our willingness to receive is a gift to someone who wants to give.

A good way to stay in balance and make sure that an exchange is fair is for each party to do a “gut check.” Does it really feel right? Or is someone one-up and someone one-down? I have sometimes paid more than I was asked when it felt out of balance. I would rather pay a little more than unconsciously devalue what I am receiving.

Take a look at where your relationships may be out of balance and see what you or the other person may be discounting. Keep your “accounts” current whenever possible. And remember that your investment of time and skill is just as valuable as anyone else’s.
(P.S. This is for humans. Do not try it with cats!)

How Curious Are You?

The quality of curiosity may be our most valuable hidden asset.

What Curiosity Does For Us

With curiosity, we are open to learning more than “the right answer.”

We get unstuck. We go places that give us new perspectives. We ask questions that open unseen possibilities. We bring our attention to other people and experiences. We test our imagination in concrete reality. We find things in reality that we could never have imagined. And even better, we feel good and have fun when we are being curious.

As Jay Cross (author of the wonderful book Informal Learning) blogs, “A study of some 3,000 creative executives, conducted by researchers at Brigham Young University and the INSEAD business school, found that what linked all of these Steve Jobs-types, perhaps more than anything else, was their curiosity and willingness to question—‘the same kind of inquisitiveness you see in small children,’according to Hal Gregersen, one of the authors of the study.”

Cross also notes that Einstein said if he had an hour to come up with a solution on which his life depended, he would spend the first fifty-five minutes figuring out the right question to ask.

Real curiosity pushes the boundaries, thinks a lot of “what-if” questions, and actively exercises creativity. Creative thinking exercises, from provocateurs such as Edward DeBono (see Lateral Thinking), help find new things about which to be curious.

Last week, after a radio interview; I reflected on how Hollis, the interviewer, had successfully brought out many aspects of how Syntax helps people have good relationships. She asked very simple questions, with curiosity. It was easy for me to follow her lead. It's a well-honed skill demonstrated by the best TV interviewers. Charlie Rose's curiosity mines his guests' knowledge and opinions, resulting in a depth of understanding that shallow questions don't offer.

Being curious is an asset in both work and personal relationships, motivating us to be truly interested in the other person’s perspective. If we could just be curious when there’s a breakdown, instead of mad or confused, we would find many good pathways to resolution.

What Keeps Us From Being Curious?

Since this quality is so valuable and enjoyable, what dampens our curiosity?

In part, our cultural beliefs and practices. Another part is our fear of being embarrassed when we take risks.

Kids naturally ask a lot of questions. Parents and teachers can break down under the barrage and discourage the questions. Adults do this most when they are uncomfortable with the subject of the child's curiosity. This can shut down kids' curiosity across the board.

Plus, we are flooded with stimuli and information in today's plugged-in world, and sometimes it is hard to stay curious. We have a kind of learning fatigue. Hence we may need to renew our curiosity on a regular basis, by engaging in play and rest and unstructured time. Fortunately, curiosity seems to be an endlessly renewable resource.

Leaders or experts may not want to show curiosity, especially at work, since they feel obligated to provide answers. After all, wasn't that why they were hired?

Curiosity may appear naïve or childlike, making people feel vulnerable. It's exactly this kind of authenticity that brings forth a willingness to risk being open. Both organizational and technical leadership are well served by valuing curiosity and demonstrating it at every available occasion.
Share Your Curiosity

Sharing curiosity leverages it in several ways. One is to provoke others to question their assumptions and come up with new approaches.
Creating a culture of questioning increases innovation. Recent research shows a trend in science toward citing team research more often than individual research, an indicator that collaborative innovation may be more productive than working alone.

That poor cat killed by curiosity lives on today, warning us against taking risks and following our noses, so to speak. For whatever reasons, societies and organizations have wanted to pull people back to the cultural center and keep them off the fringes.

Perhaps they do this for the same reasons that I worry when my curious cat, Charcoal, starts climbing a tree. The first time he did that, he didn't know what he was doing and got stuck way up high in a rather dangerous situation. The cool thing is that he seems to have learned. Exploration leads to experience and he has gotten smarter about trees.

We can extend that same expectation to humans – that curiosity leads to learning, which we then - hopefully - apply.

So the bigger risk is in not being curious – in staying walled inside old patterns or routines. Rather than being childish, it is an ability to be child-like.

How do you encourage yourself and others to be curious? Think some playful thoughts and ask unusual questions. You may open unexpected doors to success – and whatever comes of it, you will have a good time!

Lucy Freedman interview March 16

Tune in to my interview on Hollis Polk's internet radio show,
"Your Life, Your Relationships"
on Wed., 3/16 @ 3PM PDT!

Listen live at Progressive Radio Network!

Afterward you will be able to download the podcast at that address.

We will start off with the topic of my latest blog on Integrity -
and who knows where we will go from there!

Also, Hollis takes phone calls from listeners during the show.
Hope you can join us.

Everyday Integrity

How often do we betray ourselves or others?

One of our most highly valued - and highly defended - qualities is integrity. Who doesn't aspire to wholeness, accountability, and honesty in our actions and relationships?

The interesting aspect of this is how we can hold these intentions and then in daily life slide away from them, mostly outside of our own awareness.

We can ask ourselves: what is so important to us about believing in our own integrity?

We know from childhood on that being in integrity - telling the truth, being trusted, taking actions that lead toward what we care about - feels a lot better than lying, cheating, or breaking promises. It is a significant aspect of self-esteem for most people.

Integrity in the sense of making and keeping one's agreements is practical as well. When you don't know that someone will do what they say they will do, it's very hard to organize, plan, and deliver results.

We may not think we are losing integrity when a deadline passes without acknowledgment, or when we make excuses to ourselves for not doing what we promised.We aren't living up to our own expectations. Then we tend to get out of integrity with others as well.

Bit by bit, not keeping agreements without renegotiating them nibbles away at both integrity and self-esteem.

I would add that this happens when we are not honest with ourselves about our own feelings and needs. Short-term thinking, such as, "I can let it go this time," leads us not to tell others when we are hurt or something we care about is being trashed. Or, "I shouldn't be upset. They didn't mean to step on my toe."

We gradually lose the sense of our center and our boundaries. The other person doesn't know they should remove their foot.

This is not to say that we should confront every single disappointment. We need to know where to draw our own line and what is really not worth fussing about.

If we practice reflection, meditation, or other forms of introspection, we can check our internal compass and guide ourselves back into balance.

Sometimes that will involve being courageous enough to clear up an issue with someone else. Doing it with integrity would mean owning that we are speaking about our own responses and feelings, accounting for our part of the situation, and taking responsibility for what we will do in the future to avoid similar breakdowns.

Or we can decide to release our negative feelings without discussing them with the other person - if we really do release them.

The way that I can tell I that I am out of integrity is when my internal conversation is one of justification. I make a case for the rightness of my position and how the other person is wrong. I am more likely to complain than to make a clear request.

Several of the common justifications to watch out for are ways of discounting oneself, the other, or the situation. For example, "She's just not able to handle feedback," so I don't give it. "I am not good at conflict. I'd rather work it out by myself." "It won't do any good anyway. Things around here never change." They definitely won't change if no one speaks up.

Real integrity requires a good deal of skill, not just good intentions. As we mature, we need to examine our own abilities and keep expanding them.

One of the main benefits of practicing the Syntax of Effective Communication is that it keeps us in integrity. That means knowing our goals, both the big picture and the details (PLAN). It means meeting other people where they are (LINK). Getting and giving relevant accurate information keeps us in integrity (INFORM). Taking in feedback and making changes is part of our integrity (LEARN). And, as mentioned before, making requests and keeping agreements is central (BALANCE).

Is there something you are holding onto and justifying today, on which you could instead take a new approach?

Who are the role models whose integrity you admire?

What are the potholes you tend to fall into and what are you doing to build the muscles that keep you out of them?

Integrity is a huge subject and there is much more worth exploring. The only time we have to live it is today. May these thoughts inspire and encourage us as we step through today in wholeness, accountability, and above all, honesty with ourselves.

Are You Coachable?

Good Leaders are Good Learners - Are You?
Oh, sure, I am always open to feedback...
Is it true? Or is it hard to ask for and receive feedback? Even if we know it will have value, learning about ourselves is a risky business.

Coachability is a word that struck me the first time I heard it. It puts the responsibility on the client, not on the coach. I had to ask myself, how coachable am I really?

There's a huge variation in our learning strategies, especially in the arenas of communication and behavior. In school, we were taught many subjects. Only a fortunate few learned the most important thing: how to learn. Many of us learned instead to perform what was asked of us. As adults, we can revisit our learning strategies. We need to reclaim our ability to be self-directed learners who can also accept coaching from others.

What distinguishes a good learning strategy?
It asks questions such as "How can I apply this?" rather than "Where won't this work?"

Good learning strategies assume that there is a positive intention behind most behavior rather than assuming that people who disagree must be irrational.

Outstanding learners go after feedback: they want to know more about how others respond to them and what they may be missing. Their strategies include not taking the feedback personally, a rare skill. If you can take it as being useful for you and as much about the person who is giving it as about you, you can glean much insight without umbrage.

A logical / analytical option is to use a tool known as an assessment instrument that yields data about workstyles, communication styles, perceptual biases, and so forth. (See the upcoming events column for a program on assessments happening this week in Silicon Valley).

Many of our non-coachable responses are invisible to us. For instance, when I first taught a Transactional Analysis 101 course, I was supervised by my mentor and dear friend Dr. Jo Lewis. As she gave me feedback, I felt I needed to respond to each item, either justifying what I had done or commenting in some way. When she pointed it out, it was glaring.

I was not very coachable, even though I professed to want the feedback (which, by the way, was very valuable). I don't know where I learned that pattern, and it was very helpful to become aware and stop doing that. Without someone to coach me into being a better learner, I wonder how long I would have hung onto it.

In our three-day seminars, we observe that some people come in with good learning strategies. Others spend the three days working through resistance and beginning to create new strategies. By the third day, hopefully, they are ready to learn.

What is so threatening about learning, and specifically learning to be better communicators?

First of all, the idea that we need to learn something hints that we are not already totally skillful. If you had a family like mine, you grew up with the expectation that if you were smart, you already knew things. Being a good learner wasn't valued: being a good performer was. There was no graceful way to navigate the learning process and maintain a polished exterior.

I've had the good fortune to be in a career where there are many ways to ask and receive interpersonal feedback. Training as a therapist, trainer, coach, all involve much personal interaction in small and large groups and one-on-one. If you have not engaged in process-oriented learning, it's something to consider. Many leadership programs have a least some component of this kind of process. This is embedded in Syntax leadership courses, and is more fully developed in coaching and culture change engagements.

In collaboration, someone will always have more expertise than you in one or another aspect of the task you are working on together. If you have a knee-jerk defense or know-it-all reaction, how helpful is that? Somehow, being a smart kid didn't necessarily equip us for learning from our teammates. Unless we focus on it, we may not even recognize we are creating a less than optimal space for learning.

Learning about our behavior and the choices we have moment-to-moment is as present as air and often as invisible.

Being a learner means being willing to be open about the trials and errors along the way. Learning as a communicator means seeking out coaching from peers, a professional coach, or a mentor. We do NOT know the impact of our behavior without feedback from others.

When a leader is willing to learn openly, and can receive feedback authentically and graciously, he or she is demonstrating true leadership. Role modeling is the most powerful form of permission for others to be open about their learning as well.

Changes drive much of our learning. All of us are learning like crazy these days -- the new Facebook and Twitter pages, Go-to-Webinar, your new smartphone--and who knows what other emerging platforms will pull us in next.

Whatever the specific technology, learning to use it so that it enhances mutual understanding is one of the great social learning assignments of our time.

The amazing thing is how much we actually do absorb and utilize from the masses of stimuli out there.

We can expand our ability to learn throughout our lives. They say that people who are too old to learn were probably always too old to learn. Instead, seek out ways to be consciously coachable and lead the way.

Radical Cooperation

Small efforts make a big difference

We may take for granted the extent that we rely on good communication to get things done every day. The central skill of people who are great to work with is excellent communication. They are able to
articulate goals
build rapport
make clear requests
keep their agreements
provide information that is low on distortion and high in relevant detail
pay attention to results and learn as they go.

What does it take to be one of these people? It takes a mindset that breaks away from much of our cultural / business programming, and overrides reptilian responses. It takes a willingness to back good intentions with conscious attention.

This is radical. Radical means going to the root. If we keep in mind the purpose of our communication -- i.e. go to the root -- and focus on what will forward the action, we are aligned and powerful.

I work on a number of committees and teams, as I am sure you do. Everyone's time is tight. We are all dealing with life stresses, some more than others. This pressure, along with inner voices such as, "Don't rock the boat," "It's not my job,"or "They should know this already," lets us off the hook.

It's not that we need to carry others' responsibilities, just raise the bar for ourselves, creating ripples of rapport and accuracy rather than conflict and confusion. If you care about the results and have the courage to act, even in little ways, you can help create the kind of workplace where people want to do their best.

If we willingly take one extra step to do any one of the following when we see an opportunity, that radical act can change the outcome.

We can:
include relevant details
provide a sentence of background
turn a complaint into a clear request
pause to get in sync with another's tempo
read colleagues' messages all the way through before replying
prepare an agenda or a summary
express sincere appreciation
think ahead about what we want out of the conversation
ask the other person what they want out of the conversation
find out how to spell their name
send copies to those who need to know and take off the "reply all" addresses who don't need it
bring attention back to the goal of the conversation
I know, it's a lot to ask...really??

Even those small actions that are unsung or don't seem to make a difference in the moment are activating good will and generosity, at least for us. And most likely taking annoyance and stress down a notch or two.

Unless, of course, we do any of these actions with an attitude of smugness. No one likes a righteous radical!

If radical cooperation catches on, who knows, we might start having a ridiculous amount of success and fun getting things done. Go ahead, do something radical today!

Deletion, Distortion, Generalization

Universal modeling processes can work to your advantage

Professional communicators who know how to use the brain's process of filtering information can achieve a broad range of goals elegantly.

As neurolinguistic programming (NLP) points out; deletion, distortion, and generalization take place as we express ourselves, and again as we take in what others say. We leave out detail, shift things around, and turn instances into generalities.

As I listened to the State of the Union address last week, I was fascinated by what is left in and what is left out of a speech like that. The polls were positive, evidence of the artistry of striking the right chords.

While there were a few specifics, such as human interest stories about invited heroes, most of the speech consisted of nominalizations and other deletions, distortions, and generalizations. This is appropriate for a speech to millions of biased listeners. The words had to be general enough to fit many mindsets and yet carry a sense of substance.

We are all biased listeners and so are our clients. The words we use resonate for others based on their personal history, not ours.
Our shared history - and perhaps shared culture and assumptions - allow us to interpret each others' meaning surprisingly well.

When you put in more specifics you are transmitting more of your experiences and thoughts. When you delete specifics, you are leaving the other person more room for their own experiences. Which one you want to do depends on your purpose.

When I am working with someone about an aspect of their experience, I can refer to it without knowing it in detail. I can trust them to know what it is. We can have a conversation about "the most important thing you learned" without my knowing details about what they learned. The other person knows. If they want to share more detail, they can do so.
Read More
This works with groups also: I want to bring out a certain quality or feeling, so I refer to it in a way that each audience member can easily find an equivalent.

We all vary the level of specifics in our conversations, depending on the purpose of the conversation.

Coaches, speakers, negotiators, leaders, can leverage the motivation of their audiences by balancing the use of detail and stories with the use of evocative generalizations. The great hypnotherapist, Milton Erickson, MD, is widely studied for his mastery of this skill.

When we want to tune in to another's specific experience we can ask questions that retrieve deleted information and break up generalizations. This often opens doors to hidden solutions.

Whatever our purpose, it is wise to consider how we can best use the structure of language to access the resources to accomplish it.

Keeping Up Our Idealism

The first of the year inspires us to reach toward our hopes and dreams. Where will we be a year from now - what will be accomplished, what will have changed, how satisfied will we be that we have lived as we want to?

Idealism provides motivation. It is a great asset, a source of energy for day-to-day activities. Healthy idealists can let go and shift focus when outcomes differ from expectations, finding other ways to move forward.

A strategy I use to maintain idealism and motivation is to make little, ongoing choices that add up to better life balance. Our mindsets are held in place by our habits of thought and expression. When we consciously adjust our "syntax" we are applying our personal power to move toward our more idealistic worldview.

Today I caught myself writing an email reply that answered more than was asked. I didn't need to volunteer more information. One word would do the job. Making similar choices this year will save me time and extraneous stress.
It was an adjustment in my personal "anticipate and solve every problem" syntax.

When my coaching clients try out a slight change and hear the difference, such as changing "but" to "and," or practicing a gracious way to say no to a request, the positive results offer immediate reinforcement.

We can keep depositing credits into our "change the world": account, sometimes with little noticeable effect, sometimes turning a whole negative situation into a positive one.

I'll still set audacious goals and aim for new frontiers of improving communication on a larger scale. When I can see, hear, and feel results today, I am motivated to stay on course.

As you head toward your goals and ideals for 2011, what communication practices do you want to embed in your personal syntax? What specific action can you take today to move forward on that path?