Are You Walking Your Talk?

What does it take to live up to our ideals?

We all hold certain theories about how people should behave, from our earliest family teachings to the great new technique we learned in a seminar. How fully do we put our theories into practice? It’s easy to see how others are behaving and not necessarily how we are.

We want to believe that we act according to our values. What happens when someone gives us feedback that they don’t experience that from us?

Often, we deny it, or say we didn’t mean it. Or do we take that feedback and really explore what kept us from acting as we believe we should?

Whether we espouse our theories of behavior to others or simply think them to ourselves, it takes effort and attention to get out of automatic responses and be conscious of what we do. Once conscious, it takes practice and sometimes mentorship or coaching to act consistently according to what we believe.

For example, there are plenty of people who don’t think you should speak negatively about someone behind their back. Even so, it’s easy to find instances where we may be venting our feelings and in the process trashing someone else.

Or we think of ourselves as being open and honest, and then find we are holding back information because we fear others' reactions.

Or we want to be compassionate and then someone steps on our last nerve and we feel justified as we snap their head off.

At that moment, theory holds no sway. We may or may not even be observers of our own behavior. It's amazing how much we can delete the aspects of what we do that we would not approve of in someone else.

Self-Assessment
Some people have a basic life position in which they feel superior – they see themselves as more likely to be responsible and effective than others.

Some think they do OK – most of the time, meeting their expectations and not being overly critical of themselves or others.

Some people assume they are falling short, and will find evidence to support their self-criticism.

No matter whether we believe in our superiority, adequacy, or inadequacy, the gap between our intentions and our actions may be equally large.

In fact, when we hold ourselves as superior, it may be harder for us to take in feedback that we aren’t living up to expectations. In this life position we may blunder on even more than someone who assumes they always need to do better.

Once we have recognized that it’s a continual process, not a one-time deal, to bring our intentions into practice, we can set up the internal and external support that we need. Then we are walking our talk more than we are in the common state of denial.

Awareness and willingness to take feedback and work on it are more important than having a perfect shining record that we have to defend.

A Space for Learning
To live up to our ideals, we need

permission for ourselves to make mistakes and to be aware of them,
permission for others to give us feedback,
and opportunities to try out new behaviors.

We also need unconditional support, i.e. to remind ourselves that we are OK and not damaged goods that have to be hidden or fixed.

Whatever our life positions (and tendencies to ask for help or not), a coach can accelerate our learning by helping us with that support, permission, and practice. And playfulness as well.

Acceptance without Complacency

A life paradox is that when we accept something in ourselves or others, it’s easier to change than if we continue to resist and criticize.

Thus a kind of moebius-strip thinking is required: we learn new ideas and hold certain values about how to be in the world, spoken aloud or to ourselves. We have to recognize the gap between where we are and where we want to be.

We need to make changes while accepting ourselves as we are.
That last part, accepting ourselves as we are, may be the bridge to walking our talk. It may also be the most challenging.

(Read this issue of the Syntax Messenger here.)