Are You Making These Mistakes in Getting Results?

At times, we all need to get someone else to make a decision. Whether it’s about signing off on a project, buying our product or service, or making reservations for dinner, results depend on someone  making a decision.

 

The thing is, they will make the decision their way. They can't do it any other way, and if they try, they will most likely be unhappy with the result.

 

Have you seen this to be the case? Have you, or someone close to you, said, "I knew it wasn't going to work out. I shouldn't have gone along just because I was talked into it." 

 

When we really want something for the other person, or need something from them, our good intentions can actually get in the way of how they NEED to make the decision.

 

Here are three common mistakes that block our effectiveness at helping others make good decisions.

 

Mistake #1: Putting our attention in the wrong place. When we are so attached to our own agenda, or really working on the best way to present our offer, or just nervous and worrying about how we are doing, our attention is on ourselves and not the other person. This not only keeps us from getting the information we need from them, it also unintentionally conveys that we are not really interested in them. Bad move for gaining trust. 

 

Mistake #2: Being logical. Or, more specifically, using your own logic rather than the logic of the other person. Even if you listen carefully to what the other person wants, you are likely to organize the solution using your own logic rather than the sequence or emphasis that feels natural to them.

If you offer services to others, the more you know about how they think and decide, the better service you can provide for them.

 

Mistake #3. Leading too soon or too much. People who are great at influencing have a wide range of behavioral flexibility. They can move quickly or they can be more deliberate to match the pace of their client. They don't rush decisions. It's a lot easier to avoid this mistake if you are avoiding mistakes 1 and 2 - so that you are listening and following the other person's logic.

Correcting these mistakes shows the other person that you are being responsive to them. If you genuinely want to get decisions that are mutually beneficial, follow their logic and provide the information that they need to make a good decision for them.

 

Not only will you get better results in the short run, your relationships become stronger over the long run.

Change the Game

Mahatma Gandhi's message, "Be the change you want to see in the world," sounds simple. It's a profound reminder that we need to consider how our choices express our values.

In everyday situations, it can be easier to see what needs to be changed than to get it done. Anyone who has worked in a complex organization has dealt with people and systems that seem to block solutions.

 

Mature workers (of any age) have learned to work with, through, and around these people and systems, and that is generally a good thing.

 

Sometimes, this ability is a liability. The status quo has a tendency to perpetuate itself, blocking innovation and needed changes. People who are keeping it going are often blind to the part they play. 

 

When Eric Berne wrote the book Games People Play fifty years ago, he used the term "game" to refer to repetitive series of interactions that result in a predictable, negative, outcome. This type of game is mostly played outside of awareness, so it can take a little digging to discover how you could be contributing to a situation you don't like.

 

The ethic of self-reliance has a side effect of keeping such self-reinforcing routines going. Bringing up an issue or complaint can be risky. That's when it's tempting to collude by keeping your mouth closed.

 

When, despite the workarounds, not solving the problem enables a negative situation to continue, true leaders step up and find a way to intervene.

 

The distinguishing characteristic of game-changers is that they consciously design their way out of negative routines. It can be messy, as people who followed Steve Jobs' professional life can testify. Or it can be conscious and elegant as you bring influence skills into play. 

 

When you are in a nonproductive or repetitive situation, three skills and three steps can give you traction while maintaining diplomacy.

 

 

The three crucial skills are:

1. Describing the facts

2. Developing a full representation of your desired outcome

3. Getting on the other person's map.

 

We will walk through these and then share the three powerful game-changing actions you can take to move any situation forward - especially those in which you feel stuck. 

 

The first step, which is to tell the truth about what is going on, is very helpful to me when I find myself struggling. The hardest and most rewarding part of that is to take ownership of my own reactions.

 

As long as I am focusing just on what other people ought to change, I won't be part of the solution.

 

If there's something that's been bugging you, find a quiet moment and observe your feelings and thoughts about the matter. Do you notice anything familiar about your responses? Have you been here before? That's a good sign that you may be playing into the problem while intending not to. 

 

Join us tomorrow for our 45-minute teleseminar where we will explore the three skills, go over the three steps that change the game, and end with the one quality that will help you do it. 

 

 

 

If you cannot attend and would like to listen to the recording, please email syntaxoffice@syntx.com and we will send you the link, which will be up for the coming week. 

Managing the ADD of Everyday Life

How to handle distractions, overwhelm, and procrastination and still get somewhere.

 

Do you have days that just seem to fly by, full of activity, and you feel as if you have gotten nothing done? Life happens at an increasingly complex and rapid pace. You would be unusual if you weren’t paying attention to multiple streams of information, internal conversation, relationships, work, schedule, decisions, and more. Keeping track of our goals, having a sense of progress, may seem out of reach. 
 
As it turns out, knowing your outcome is a saving grace when living in an interrupt-driven world. Sure, we can recognize that uninterrupted quiet time is best for challenging work or creative invention. When we don’t have that, or when we have just too many things competing for that time – and when life throws us extra stuff that has to be integrated (i.e., IRS Audit, parent care, child care, house move or remodel, refinance, buy a car) – it can be downright discouraging. 

Here’s a ray of light to help us deal with the overload. Sure, the 20 things on the to-do list may be there longer than we had anticipated. Just the same, if we ask ourselves three outcome questions once in a while, and put attention on them just long enough to anchor the desired result that we want, our wandering activity path will still bring us closer to where we want to go.

On top of having an internal gyroscope set on our desired outcomes, another benefit of that momentary attention on a specific goal is that we can look back and quell our picky voices by seeing how far we have come on our path, even if we don't have hours of focused time to work on it.


I heard a story as a child about two people who each had the task of digging a hole. I can still see in my mind’s eye the image of a big hole and a big pile of dirt. One of the people walked by every day and took a shovelful of dirt out of the hole. The other guy waited until the last minute and had to work very hard to catch up. The one was whistling and the other was panting. I took in the lesson that tasks can be easy if done bit by bit.  

I may not be able to finish all that I want to do today, and still I can make progress – if I have thought about my goal.

Alan Lakein, one of the classic time management gurus, called this the “Swiss Cheese Method” of carving out manageable chunks of the overwhelming task. It feels great to come back and finish something that is mostly done already. 

 

If you have something that is hanging over your head (may I mention that it is time to get your taxes together?), take a moment to focus on it and ask yourself the three outcome questions:

What do I want to accomplish?
What will that get me (and others)?
What will I see, hear, and feel or do that will convince me it is completed?

Step into the experience as if you have just finished the job. See what you’ll see, hear what you’ll hear, and feel the effects of doing it. 

Now let that go and do one little task that leads toward the result. 
When your day splays out in unplanned directions, those little tasks can turn wasted time into steps forward.  

The fast pace and multiple distractions are not going to abate any time soon. We make a mistake when we put off tasks until we have “enough time.” Then we rush like crazy or miss the deadline. 

OK, enough. Go ask yourself the questions and do that little task!

Love and Work

Today is Valentine's Day, when we think a lot about love. Most of the focus is on romantic love, hearts and flowers, and all that.

Let's take a moment to recognize another aspect of love: the love we express when we work.

 

Gifts from the Heart

No matter what form your work takes, when you show up and contribute energy, smarts, and time, you are sharing your uniqueness.

 

You may think of your value in terms of the tasks you perform. Yes, that contribution is important.

 

How you do those tasks and interact with people is at least as important. You have a direct effect on the well-being of those around you. Perhaps you wouldn't say you love every one of those people. Just the same, they feel your presence -- and your love.

 

Even better, what is good for you, i.e., whatever nurtures your soul, gives you joy, makes your day, is also good for the people around you.

Doing Work You Love

A real luxury in life is getting to do work that you love. Those moments of being fully absorbed, creating results, helping people, learning, succeeding, and being recognized, are sources of motivation.

 

If this is a frequent experience for you, congratulations.

 

If you don't have much of that, guess what? It is up to you to get creative in your career. Whether by enhancing what you are doing now, or following your heart to make a change, or finding a way to do what you love outside of work, you have to express your gift.

 

An Underrated Resource

For some bizarre reason, work cultures often undermine or discount the gifts of the heart.

 

HR manager and author Tony DeBlauwe has identified a condition he calls EAD, or Employee Adaptive Displacement, which names the hidden demoralization of many people at work. You can read his recent blog post and download the full paper for more of Tony's insight.

 

These workers' hearts are not engaged. Not only are they unhappy, they are not performing at their potential. 

 

Engaging the heart has many benefits. The Institute of Heartmath offers statistics proving that the heart has many times more electrical current than the brain.

 

They and others also show that appreciation and gratitude reduce stress and increase health at work. There are lots of reasons for your left brain to buy into the love thing. Today, use the excuse that it is Valentine's Day!

 

A Round of Appreciation

Why not add a few ounces of appreciation for yourself and others today?

 

Start by recognizing the commitment it takes for you to do your work, to offer your skills, and to help the team.

Give yourself some appreciation for that!

 

Look around, either in person or in your mind, at the people in your work life. Is it not some form of love that they express each day?

 

It may seem strange to think of our presence and our contributions as love.  Try putting on that filter and experience the giving and receiving of love that constitutes work. Open your heart to the possibilities.

 

Share the love this Valentine's Day.  Namaste. 

 

(You can read the Messenger, including Why Influence? at http://emailbrain.com/new/viewnewsletter2.aspx?SiteID=9958&SID=1&NewsletterID=1065542)

Who Wins? Influencing for Mutual Benefit

It could have happened to anyone. I was on a rare visit to a mega shopping mall to exchange a Christmas gift. There in the middle of the shoppers, displays, and kiosks, I had a moment of uncertainty about where to find my destination.  Immediately I was approached by a young woman from a kiosk. She asked me a question and I didn't catch what she was saying at first, so I turned to hear her.

 

By that time, we were discussing whether I knew about collagen and she was offering me free samples. Enough rapport had been created for me to come over to her booth and sit while she applied lotion to one side of my face!

 

Both she and her manager then exerted some fine influencing skills with the goal of making a sale. At first, it was a sale of several hundred dollars worth of products that would last me a year. The deal was actually not outrageous at all. By the time I left, I was being offered a $59 deal, due to my very good fortune of being there when the manager just happened to stop by.

I was on my way to a particular store with one errand in mind, and a desire to get home soon. The fact that I even considered the purchase is a testament to their selling skills.

 

Applying a SYNTAX Influence filter, I observe that they definitely know their goal. They also adjust it based on their assessment of the situation. We move from a full line of products to "which one do you like the best?" The attractive young woman built rapport, first enough to draw me in, then enough to discuss where she is from, my own family background, our ages and skin, and how wonderful the product is.

 

I accepted the offer of having the stuff put on me (though I would have been happier if they did both sides of my face!). They did their best to lead me to the next goal. I made the counteroffer that I would take their contact information and think about it. Because I was clear on my goals, I could engage with them and still decline their offer.

 

I laughed when someone else working for the same company approached me at the next corner. I told her I already had the product on one side of my face. She began to use several of the closing strategies they had used--how lucky I was that she could make an exception for me and give me the best price.

 

She didn't have much hope of building the rapport this time, as I was no longer in a moment of unclear destination and I already knew the scoop. She did help me locate the store I wanted to find. I received the benefit I needed and was soon enough on my way home.

 

Was there anything they could have done to get me to their outcome? Maybe not. That's the benefit of keeping my goals in mind.

 

Did they achieve part of their goal? Yes, I am attracted to their products and might actually plan to purchase one item from them in the future. I will have had time for my own decision strategy to work. I don't usually decide on an unplanned purchase without sleeping on it. For sure, I know more about their product than I did before.

 

At another time or context, if I were less grounded, unclear on my goal or if I didn't feel as free to decline the offer, the outcome might have been different. 

 

To be truly masterful in a relationship-based sale, they would have detected my decision strategy and worked with it; as it was, they were in a transactional sale where they either ring the cash register or they don't. 

 

If they interact with enough people, I imagine they make enough sales to do well. Retail is tough, especially out in the mall corridor. I speculate that this particular group, from a culture where bargaining is much more direct than in most of the US, has much more freedom and range to use selling skills than, say, a midwestern US native. 

 

When we are influencing others, our flexibility is a big factor in who wins, i.e. whether we get the outcome we are after.  Short term, the most flexibility wins the day.  I believe that to be truly influential you have to take the other person's outcome into account. In longer term relationships, nobody wins if both don't win.

 

The best influencing skills are those that find a way for all parties' needs to be met. If it weren't for my moment of disorientation in the mall, I wouldn't have engaged with the sellers in the first place.

 

When I choose to enter a conversation or negotiation, it is in part because of a desire for mutual benefit. 

 

My interaction with the skincare ladies was mutually beneficial - it went just as far as it served both of us. I had fun and I hope they did too!

 

 

How to (Almost) Read Minds: Teleseminar replay

How valuable would it be to know how to tailor your communication so it makes the most sense to the other person? 
To be persuasive to them?


How to (Almost) Read Minds
with Lucy Freedman
Join me for a 45-minute tour of your sphere of influence. Learn how to tune in to what is important to your customers, co-workers, anyone you want to influence to get things done. 


Email syntaxoffice@syntx.com for the link to the replay.

Ethics of Influence

Last week I was invited to be the guest on Hollis Polk's internet radio show, "Your Life, Your Relationships." As I prepared to talk about increasing our influence in personal life, I realized that the use of power in personal relationships is a deep and complex subject.

Influencing at Work

Usually, when teaching or coaching in a corporate or government setting, I  encourage each person to be as influential as possible. Assuming that your intentions are at least somewhat on behalf of the organization and its customers, you want to be as influential as you can in carrying out your role.

 

In large systems, getting anything done relies on influencing skills combined with position power, intelligence, and leadership. One of my favorite things about influencing skills is that anyone can use them and be powerful.

 

Influencing in Personal Relationships

Influence also happens in relationships with family and friends. In personal life, the question of who gets his or her way is different from what happens at work.  Where there are children or elders, the capacity of the participants is unequal. The nature of the family unit or community is that it exists for its own sake, not simply to accomplish external goals.

Within that context, there may be greater felt constraints on how we influence, as well as an overriding need for harmony.

 

The idea that we would consciously attempt to influence our family and friends might seem foreign, and even unethical. as if we were scheming against them. The idea that we would not be attempting to influence them is pretty far out also.

 

Of course we have influence within our close relationships. It may not work as well as we would like, and we might not admit it. Whether we like it or not, we influence just bybeing there. We can't not influence each other, so let's be conscious of how we do it. 

 

Are You Playing Games?

Whoever has the communication skills to influence others is going to get his or her way more of the time than someone who doesn't. This can be aboveboard or it can be more devious.

 

In transactional analysis, maneuvers that discount someone or something are called "games," and are basically unethical ways to influence. Typically, they don't even accomplish the intended goal for the person who initiates them.

 

Ethical Influencing

Consider these three qualities that can make our influence more ethical - i.e., not scheming against our closest relations.

 

1. Concern for the good of all.

If it's genuine, then any outcome we have for ourselves will take others' needs into account. 

 

2. Respect for each person's own version of reality and appropriate stage of development.

Even if my plan seems better for someone else than theirs, they get to decide for themselves. This, of course, has to be modified when the person is four years old or sometimes when he or she is incapacitated.

 

In general, people can be allowed to decide more for themselves than their close relations may want them to. Beware of power games that interfere with respecting the other person's point of view. When in doubt, consult with someone who is not a party to the issue.  

 

3. Transparency.

If we withhold relevant information, or are not willing to say what our intention is, or try to get someone else to do our dirty work for us, we are setting up a negative payoff either sooner or later. It's a good self-test--would I be willing to share my thinking with the person I am trying to influence? If not, I may be up to something that I've rationalized to myself which is really underhanded.

 

If these three principles are honored, the rest is up to skill.

Are you good at conveying what you want so that others can hear and be motivated to support you?

 

Are you able to say no diplomatically and hear it with grace?

 

Have you invested enough in others' emotional bank accounts that they are willing to invest in yours?

 

As you step forward in 2012, make your family and friendships a source of cooperation and joy in your life by exerting your influence with ethics.