Can You Say "And"?

Have you noticed the difference in how people respond when you use the word and instead of but in a sentence?

If you listen to newscasters and politicians, you will frequently hear the word but as if for emphasis. It disrupts the flow of the thought that came before, perhaps to set up an important point in a debate. This may work - though I wouldn't count on it - if you really are in a debate. If you don't want a debate, your choice of words can have much more influence than most people realize.

A friend with a couple of kids at home remarked on the huge difference she has found when she catches herself about to say but and changes it to and. For example, when her nine-year-old says he wants to go to a friend's house at a time they already had plans, she can say, "You want to go to Joe's house AND we already have plans to go skating." He gets it right away and is a lot less likely to argue than if she had said the same thing with but in the middle.

I used to wonder if this was just one of those ideas that communication coaches believe in and that don't have enough effect to make it worth the effort of changing. After years of practicing the A word, and catching instances of But that I wouldn't have otherwise noticed, I can report that it works not just for communication but also (there's a legit use of but!) for expanding our ability to think about complexity.

When we are in either-or mode, we are less equipped to deal with the blended realities we are sorting through every day. When we are able to handle both-and, we absorb and manage mulitple priorities. We still make decisions, clarify thoughts, and challenge assumptions.

If you baven't tried it, don't assume that and and but are pretty much parallel with different meanings. At first you may not hear yourself saying but, AND if you go on a "but diet" (note that I could have said but and didn't), you will become better at hearing and changing from but to and. AND... maybe you'll find some unexpected breakthroughs in conversations with yourself as well as others.

I believe that the little mindshift this represents may be a key to getting along better on many levels in a diverse, pluralistic world. Certainly, rigid boundaries cause stress and conflict, which may be avoidable with more flexibility.

Whether you are interested in the bigger worldview or not, try it out for yourself. For a while you may find yourself saying the transitional version, which sounds like "ButAND". It does smooth out, or it becomes a signal among familiars that we are on the verge of expanding our thinking.

Be wary of the "however" solution - those in the know call that "a but in a tuxedo." Has the same effect even if it sounds fancy.

You could get a huge payback for a little effort when you decide to go conscious on your use of but and and. Check it out and share what you learn. AND we will be glad to hear about it!