Good Leaders are Good Learners - Are You?
Oh, sure, I am always open to feedback...
Is it true? Or is it hard to ask for and receive feedback? Even if we know it will have value, learning about ourselves is a risky business.
Coachability is a word that struck me the first time I heard it. It puts the responsibility on the client, not on the coach. I had to ask myself, how coachable am I really?
There's a huge variation in our learning strategies, especially in the arenas of communication and behavior. In school, we were taught many subjects. Only a fortunate few learned the most important thing: how to learn. Many of us learned instead to perform what was asked of us. As adults, we can revisit our learning strategies. We need to reclaim our ability to be self-directed learners who can also accept coaching from others.
What distinguishes a good learning strategy?
It asks questions such as "How can I apply this?" rather than "Where won't this work?"
Good learning strategies assume that there is a positive intention behind most behavior rather than assuming that people who disagree must be irrational.
Outstanding learners go after feedback: they want to know more about how others respond to them and what they may be missing. Their strategies include not taking the feedback personally, a rare skill. If you can take it as being useful for you and as much about the person who is giving it as about you, you can glean much insight without umbrage.
A logical / analytical option is to use a tool known as an assessment instrument that yields data about workstyles, communication styles, perceptual biases, and so forth. (See the upcoming events column for a program on assessments happening this week in Silicon Valley).
Many of our non-coachable responses are invisible to us. For instance, when I first taught a Transactional Analysis 101 course, I was supervised by my mentor and dear friend Dr. Jo Lewis. As she gave me feedback, I felt I needed to respond to each item, either justifying what I had done or commenting in some way. When she pointed it out, it was glaring.
I was not very coachable, even though I professed to want the feedback (which, by the way, was very valuable). I don't know where I learned that pattern, and it was very helpful to become aware and stop doing that. Without someone to coach me into being a better learner, I wonder how long I would have hung onto it.
In our three-day seminars, we observe that some people come in with good learning strategies. Others spend the three days working through resistance and beginning to create new strategies. By the third day, hopefully, they are ready to learn.
What is so threatening about learning, and specifically learning to be better communicators?
First of all, the idea that we need to learn something hints that we are not already totally skillful. If you had a family like mine, you grew up with the expectation that if you were smart, you already knew things. Being a good learner wasn't valued: being a good performer was. There was no graceful way to navigate the learning process and maintain a polished exterior.
I've had the good fortune to be in a career where there are many ways to ask and receive interpersonal feedback. Training as a therapist, trainer, coach, all involve much personal interaction in small and large groups and one-on-one. If you have not engaged in process-oriented learning, it's something to consider. Many leadership programs have a least some component of this kind of process. This is embedded in Syntax leadership courses, and is more fully developed in coaching and culture change engagements.
In collaboration, someone will always have more expertise than you in one or another aspect of the task you are working on together. If you have a knee-jerk defense or know-it-all reaction, how helpful is that? Somehow, being a smart kid didn't necessarily equip us for learning from our teammates. Unless we focus on it, we may not even recognize we are creating a less than optimal space for learning.
Learning about our behavior and the choices we have moment-to-moment is as present as air and often as invisible.
Being a learner means being willing to be open about the trials and errors along the way. Learning as a communicator means seeking out coaching from peers, a professional coach, or a mentor. We do NOT know the impact of our behavior without feedback from others.
When a leader is willing to learn openly, and can receive feedback authentically and graciously, he or she is demonstrating true leadership. Role modeling is the most powerful form of permission for others to be open about their learning as well.
Changes drive much of our learning. All of us are learning like crazy these days -- the new Facebook and Twitter pages, Go-to-Webinar, your new smartphone--and who knows what other emerging platforms will pull us in next.
Whatever the specific technology, learning to use it so that it enhances mutual understanding is one of the great social learning assignments of our time.
The amazing thing is how much we actually do absorb and utilize from the masses of stimuli out there.
We can expand our ability to learn throughout our lives. They say that people who are too old to learn were probably always too old to learn. Instead, seek out ways to be consciously coachable and lead the way.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Radical Cooperation
Small efforts make a big difference
We may take for granted the extent that we rely on good communication to get things done every day. The central skill of people who are great to work with is excellent communication. They are able to
articulate goals
build rapport
make clear requests
keep their agreements
provide information that is low on distortion and high in relevant detail
pay attention to results and learn as they go.
What does it take to be one of these people? It takes a mindset that breaks away from much of our cultural / business programming, and overrides reptilian responses. It takes a willingness to back good intentions with conscious attention.
This is radical. Radical means going to the root. If we keep in mind the purpose of our communication -- i.e. go to the root -- and focus on what will forward the action, we are aligned and powerful.
I work on a number of committees and teams, as I am sure you do. Everyone's time is tight. We are all dealing with life stresses, some more than others. This pressure, along with inner voices such as, "Don't rock the boat," "It's not my job,"or "They should know this already," lets us off the hook.
It's not that we need to carry others' responsibilities, just raise the bar for ourselves, creating ripples of rapport and accuracy rather than conflict and confusion. If you care about the results and have the courage to act, even in little ways, you can help create the kind of workplace where people want to do their best.
If we willingly take one extra step to do any one of the following when we see an opportunity, that radical act can change the outcome.
We can:
include relevant details
provide a sentence of background
turn a complaint into a clear request
pause to get in sync with another's tempo
read colleagues' messages all the way through before replying
prepare an agenda or a summary
express sincere appreciation
think ahead about what we want out of the conversation
ask the other person what they want out of the conversation
find out how to spell their name
send copies to those who need to know and take off the "reply all" addresses who don't need it
bring attention back to the goal of the conversation
I know, it's a lot to ask...really??
Even those small actions that are unsung or don't seem to make a difference in the moment are activating good will and generosity, at least for us. And most likely taking annoyance and stress down a notch or two.
Unless, of course, we do any of these actions with an attitude of smugness. No one likes a righteous radical!
If radical cooperation catches on, who knows, we might start having a ridiculous amount of success and fun getting things done. Go ahead, do something radical today!
We may take for granted the extent that we rely on good communication to get things done every day. The central skill of people who are great to work with is excellent communication. They are able to
articulate goals
build rapport
make clear requests
keep their agreements
provide information that is low on distortion and high in relevant detail
pay attention to results and learn as they go.
What does it take to be one of these people? It takes a mindset that breaks away from much of our cultural / business programming, and overrides reptilian responses. It takes a willingness to back good intentions with conscious attention.
This is radical. Radical means going to the root. If we keep in mind the purpose of our communication -- i.e. go to the root -- and focus on what will forward the action, we are aligned and powerful.
I work on a number of committees and teams, as I am sure you do. Everyone's time is tight. We are all dealing with life stresses, some more than others. This pressure, along with inner voices such as, "Don't rock the boat," "It's not my job,"or "They should know this already," lets us off the hook.
It's not that we need to carry others' responsibilities, just raise the bar for ourselves, creating ripples of rapport and accuracy rather than conflict and confusion. If you care about the results and have the courage to act, even in little ways, you can help create the kind of workplace where people want to do their best.
If we willingly take one extra step to do any one of the following when we see an opportunity, that radical act can change the outcome.
We can:
include relevant details
provide a sentence of background
turn a complaint into a clear request
pause to get in sync with another's tempo
read colleagues' messages all the way through before replying
prepare an agenda or a summary
express sincere appreciation
think ahead about what we want out of the conversation
ask the other person what they want out of the conversation
find out how to spell their name
send copies to those who need to know and take off the "reply all" addresses who don't need it
bring attention back to the goal of the conversation
I know, it's a lot to ask...really??
Even those small actions that are unsung or don't seem to make a difference in the moment are activating good will and generosity, at least for us. And most likely taking annoyance and stress down a notch or two.
Unless, of course, we do any of these actions with an attitude of smugness. No one likes a righteous radical!
If radical cooperation catches on, who knows, we might start having a ridiculous amount of success and fun getting things done. Go ahead, do something radical today!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Deletion, Distortion, Generalization
Universal modeling processes can work to your advantage
Professional communicators who know how to use the brain's process of filtering information can achieve a broad range of goals elegantly.
As neurolinguistic programming (NLP) points out; deletion, distortion, and generalization take place as we express ourselves, and again as we take in what others say. We leave out detail, shift things around, and turn instances into generalities.
As I listened to the State of the Union address last week, I was fascinated by what is left in and what is left out of a speech like that. The polls were positive, evidence of the artistry of striking the right chords.
While there were a few specifics, such as human interest stories about invited heroes, most of the speech consisted of nominalizations and other deletions, distortions, and generalizations. This is appropriate for a speech to millions of biased listeners. The words had to be general enough to fit many mindsets and yet carry a sense of substance.
We are all biased listeners and so are our clients. The words we use resonate for others based on their personal history, not ours.
Our shared history - and perhaps shared culture and assumptions - allow us to interpret each others' meaning surprisingly well.
When you put in more specifics you are transmitting more of your experiences and thoughts. When you delete specifics, you are leaving the other person more room for their own experiences. Which one you want to do depends on your purpose.
When I am working with someone about an aspect of their experience, I can refer to it without knowing it in detail. I can trust them to know what it is. We can have a conversation about "the most important thing you learned" without my knowing details about what they learned. The other person knows. If they want to share more detail, they can do so.
Read More
This works with groups also: I want to bring out a certain quality or feeling, so I refer to it in a way that each audience member can easily find an equivalent.
We all vary the level of specifics in our conversations, depending on the purpose of the conversation.
Coaches, speakers, negotiators, leaders, can leverage the motivation of their audiences by balancing the use of detail and stories with the use of evocative generalizations. The great hypnotherapist, Milton Erickson, MD, is widely studied for his mastery of this skill.
When we want to tune in to another's specific experience we can ask questions that retrieve deleted information and break up generalizations. This often opens doors to hidden solutions.
Whatever our purpose, it is wise to consider how we can best use the structure of language to access the resources to accomplish it.
Professional communicators who know how to use the brain's process of filtering information can achieve a broad range of goals elegantly.
As neurolinguistic programming (NLP) points out; deletion, distortion, and generalization take place as we express ourselves, and again as we take in what others say. We leave out detail, shift things around, and turn instances into generalities.
As I listened to the State of the Union address last week, I was fascinated by what is left in and what is left out of a speech like that. The polls were positive, evidence of the artistry of striking the right chords.
While there were a few specifics, such as human interest stories about invited heroes, most of the speech consisted of nominalizations and other deletions, distortions, and generalizations. This is appropriate for a speech to millions of biased listeners. The words had to be general enough to fit many mindsets and yet carry a sense of substance.
We are all biased listeners and so are our clients. The words we use resonate for others based on their personal history, not ours.
Our shared history - and perhaps shared culture and assumptions - allow us to interpret each others' meaning surprisingly well.
When you put in more specifics you are transmitting more of your experiences and thoughts. When you delete specifics, you are leaving the other person more room for their own experiences. Which one you want to do depends on your purpose.
When I am working with someone about an aspect of their experience, I can refer to it without knowing it in detail. I can trust them to know what it is. We can have a conversation about "the most important thing you learned" without my knowing details about what they learned. The other person knows. If they want to share more detail, they can do so.
Read More
This works with groups also: I want to bring out a certain quality or feeling, so I refer to it in a way that each audience member can easily find an equivalent.
We all vary the level of specifics in our conversations, depending on the purpose of the conversation.
Coaches, speakers, negotiators, leaders, can leverage the motivation of their audiences by balancing the use of detail and stories with the use of evocative generalizations. The great hypnotherapist, Milton Erickson, MD, is widely studied for his mastery of this skill.
When we want to tune in to another's specific experience we can ask questions that retrieve deleted information and break up generalizations. This often opens doors to hidden solutions.
Whatever our purpose, it is wise to consider how we can best use the structure of language to access the resources to accomplish it.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Keeping Up Our Idealism
The first of the year inspires us to reach toward our hopes and dreams. Where will we be a year from now - what will be accomplished, what will have changed, how satisfied will we be that we have lived as we want to?
Idealism provides motivation. It is a great asset, a source of energy for day-to-day activities. Healthy idealists can let go and shift focus when outcomes differ from expectations, finding other ways to move forward.
A strategy I use to maintain idealism and motivation is to make little, ongoing choices that add up to better life balance. Our mindsets are held in place by our habits of thought and expression. When we consciously adjust our "syntax" we are applying our personal power to move toward our more idealistic worldview.
Today I caught myself writing an email reply that answered more than was asked. I didn't need to volunteer more information. One word would do the job. Making similar choices this year will save me time and extraneous stress.
It was an adjustment in my personal "anticipate and solve every problem" syntax.
When my coaching clients try out a slight change and hear the difference, such as changing "but" to "and," or practicing a gracious way to say no to a request, the positive results offer immediate reinforcement.
We can keep depositing credits into our "change the world": account, sometimes with little noticeable effect, sometimes turning a whole negative situation into a positive one.
I'll still set audacious goals and aim for new frontiers of improving communication on a larger scale. When I can see, hear, and feel results today, I am motivated to stay on course.
As you head toward your goals and ideals for 2011, what communication practices do you want to embed in your personal syntax? What specific action can you take today to move forward on that path?
Idealism provides motivation. It is a great asset, a source of energy for day-to-day activities. Healthy idealists can let go and shift focus when outcomes differ from expectations, finding other ways to move forward.
A strategy I use to maintain idealism and motivation is to make little, ongoing choices that add up to better life balance. Our mindsets are held in place by our habits of thought and expression. When we consciously adjust our "syntax" we are applying our personal power to move toward our more idealistic worldview.
Today I caught myself writing an email reply that answered more than was asked. I didn't need to volunteer more information. One word would do the job. Making similar choices this year will save me time and extraneous stress.
It was an adjustment in my personal "anticipate and solve every problem" syntax.
When my coaching clients try out a slight change and hear the difference, such as changing "but" to "and," or practicing a gracious way to say no to a request, the positive results offer immediate reinforcement.
We can keep depositing credits into our "change the world": account, sometimes with little noticeable effect, sometimes turning a whole negative situation into a positive one.
I'll still set audacious goals and aim for new frontiers of improving communication on a larger scale. When I can see, hear, and feel results today, I am motivated to stay on course.
As you head toward your goals and ideals for 2011, what communication practices do you want to embed in your personal syntax? What specific action can you take today to move forward on that path?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Balance: Where's Your Sweet Spot?
Most of us want to live our lives in a harmonious flow, not underachieving or overdoing. Balancing our goals, the demands of others, what we have to do and what we want to do, is our own personal recipe for satisfaction -- or dissatisfaction. It's good to find the 'sweet spot' - the right amount of give and take - to keep ourselves in balance.
We strive for that flow in our day-to-day management of time and priorities. With so much to attend to each day, we have to make a conscious effort to make time to step out and re-balance. That may mean talking with a friend or advisor. It may mean taking a walk or meditating to hear our own inner voice and feel our center.
Balance is a dynamic process, guided by our inner compass of what is important. When in balance, we thrive. We are able to meet our own needs and be responsive to others.
We are thrown off balance when we buy into these myths:
I can (should) make others happy.
Others can (should) make me happy.
The way we get hooked is when these faulty expectations are not met. For instance, we get exhausted by saying yes to make someone happy. We get depressed or angry when others aren't doing what we want them to. We can go into a spiral of dissatisfaction.
We begin to make a case inside our minds. Either we, or they, are at fault.
Whenever I find myself in an internal dialogue of justification - "She was unreasonable in what she asked; she should know better; it's not my fault..." - it's a good clue that I am already out of balance. When I wake up and observe myself in that conversation, it's an opportunity to go back and see where I lost track of my own values. That will bring me back into balance a lot faster than finally settling whose fault it was.
Of course it does matter how our actions affect other people. People who succeed at relationships AND results are those who balance FOCUS - i.e. keeping your eye on the goal - with FLEXIBILITY - i.e. taking the current situation and other people's perceptions into account.
At work, sometimes we go off balance with too much focus on our goal and not enough input from others. Sometimes we go off balance with too much flexibility: consulting everyone and not forwarding the action. Consider how implicit beliefs about making each other happy or unhappy may be creating an imbalance.
Actions that create balance take the form of clear requests and agreements. Asking and saying yes or no are skills to cultivate in personal life as well as in business.
The way we know that we have found the right balance for ourselves is that it feels sweet!
We strive for that flow in our day-to-day management of time and priorities. With so much to attend to each day, we have to make a conscious effort to make time to step out and re-balance. That may mean talking with a friend or advisor. It may mean taking a walk or meditating to hear our own inner voice and feel our center.
Balance is a dynamic process, guided by our inner compass of what is important. When in balance, we thrive. We are able to meet our own needs and be responsive to others.
We are thrown off balance when we buy into these myths:
I can (should) make others happy.
Others can (should) make me happy.
The way we get hooked is when these faulty expectations are not met. For instance, we get exhausted by saying yes to make someone happy. We get depressed or angry when others aren't doing what we want them to. We can go into a spiral of dissatisfaction.
We begin to make a case inside our minds. Either we, or they, are at fault.
Whenever I find myself in an internal dialogue of justification - "She was unreasonable in what she asked; she should know better; it's not my fault..." - it's a good clue that I am already out of balance. When I wake up and observe myself in that conversation, it's an opportunity to go back and see where I lost track of my own values. That will bring me back into balance a lot faster than finally settling whose fault it was.
Of course it does matter how our actions affect other people. People who succeed at relationships AND results are those who balance FOCUS - i.e. keeping your eye on the goal - with FLEXIBILITY - i.e. taking the current situation and other people's perceptions into account.
At work, sometimes we go off balance with too much focus on our goal and not enough input from others. Sometimes we go off balance with too much flexibility: consulting everyone and not forwarding the action. Consider how implicit beliefs about making each other happy or unhappy may be creating an imbalance.
Actions that create balance take the form of clear requests and agreements. Asking and saying yes or no are skills to cultivate in personal life as well as in business.
The way we know that we have found the right balance for ourselves is that it feels sweet!
Monday, November 29, 2010
"That's Not What I Meant!"
Impact - Not Intent - Is What Matters
Most of the time, we really don't want to irritate or upset the people with whom we communicate. Misunderstandings and hurt feelings happen anyway, and we have our own personal syntax that shows up in how we respond to them.
In a conversation at O'Reilly Media's Web 2.0 Summit last week, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg spoke about how they are managing privacy and user control issues as Facebook becomes nearly ubiquitous. It provided an interesting angle on the impact of our communications on other people.
On Facebook or any electronic messaging system, you make judgments about who will want to receive what messages. The Web 2.0 Summit discussion focused on who gets to control 'opting in.'
If your friend wants to send you something - or put you into a group where any group member can send you something - the friend is gauging what you want to receive.
This weekend I received about 20 messages in a language I don't speak, because a friend included me in a group of mostly Croatian psychologists. It was a curiosity, not a nuisance, to me, illustrating the ripples we send across our global network. If it multiplied I would for sure be opting out!
On Facebook, we can opt out, often without letting the sender know. We may have to set controls in order to keep some sanity in our inboxes. Our friends may or may not know whether or how their messages are received.
At a personal level, when we are communicating face-to-face or voice-to-voice, we are gauging our listener's interests and state of mind as we express ourselves. People may opt out and we can probably tell when they do!
Whatever our intention, sometimes others will respond in an unexpected and possibly unhappy way. It's part of being
human that we can't always gauge how our listener will take something.
A big differentiator of mature communicators is being accountable not just for your intention, but for the impact on the other person.
A friend confided in me about a breakdown in a new dating relationship. When the guy insisted she had confirmed a date that was only tentative in her mind, she checked with a third party who heard the conversation to ensure that she remembered it correctly. Even though she was right, he hadn't heard it that way.
Surely, if he consistently hears something she hasn't said, she may want to opt out altogether. In the short term, what is important is the impact, not her intention.
Being right in this case would just continue a dispute that is probably unnecessary. Right and wrong are pretty much irrelevant in misunderstandings. What's relevant is to clear it up going forward, not going backward.
As you spend time with people you know well this week, you may want to be especially aware of your impact. If you hear yourself beginning to defend your intention, "That's not what I meant," consider reframing and putting your attention on what the other person received. That is what will determine how the communication proceeds from there.
To get the ball rolling, a gentle, "What did you hear me say?" (NOT accusatory, please) can tell you what the meaning of your communication was for the other person.
For good communication, it's impact, not intention, that matters.
Most of the time, we really don't want to irritate or upset the people with whom we communicate. Misunderstandings and hurt feelings happen anyway, and we have our own personal syntax that shows up in how we respond to them.
In a conversation at O'Reilly Media's Web 2.0 Summit last week, Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg spoke about how they are managing privacy and user control issues as Facebook becomes nearly ubiquitous. It provided an interesting angle on the impact of our communications on other people.
On Facebook or any electronic messaging system, you make judgments about who will want to receive what messages. The Web 2.0 Summit discussion focused on who gets to control 'opting in.'
If your friend wants to send you something - or put you into a group where any group member can send you something - the friend is gauging what you want to receive.
This weekend I received about 20 messages in a language I don't speak, because a friend included me in a group of mostly Croatian psychologists. It was a curiosity, not a nuisance, to me, illustrating the ripples we send across our global network. If it multiplied I would for sure be opting out!
On Facebook, we can opt out, often without letting the sender know. We may have to set controls in order to keep some sanity in our inboxes. Our friends may or may not know whether or how their messages are received.
At a personal level, when we are communicating face-to-face or voice-to-voice, we are gauging our listener's interests and state of mind as we express ourselves. People may opt out and we can probably tell when they do!
Whatever our intention, sometimes others will respond in an unexpected and possibly unhappy way. It's part of being
human that we can't always gauge how our listener will take something.
A big differentiator of mature communicators is being accountable not just for your intention, but for the impact on the other person.
A friend confided in me about a breakdown in a new dating relationship. When the guy insisted she had confirmed a date that was only tentative in her mind, she checked with a third party who heard the conversation to ensure that she remembered it correctly. Even though she was right, he hadn't heard it that way.
Surely, if he consistently hears something she hasn't said, she may want to opt out altogether. In the short term, what is important is the impact, not her intention.
Being right in this case would just continue a dispute that is probably unnecessary. Right and wrong are pretty much irrelevant in misunderstandings. What's relevant is to clear it up going forward, not going backward.
As you spend time with people you know well this week, you may want to be especially aware of your impact. If you hear yourself beginning to defend your intention, "That's not what I meant," consider reframing and putting your attention on what the other person received. That is what will determine how the communication proceeds from there.
To get the ball rolling, a gentle, "What did you hear me say?" (NOT accusatory, please) can tell you what the meaning of your communication was for the other person.
For good communication, it's impact, not intention, that matters.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Communicators' Rule No. 1
What is the biggest obstacle we face when we are dealing with a communication breakdown? Whether it's the spouse not doing XYZ when they said they would, the boss who isn't hearing how overloaded we are, or the customer being difficult, we can be blocked by the "common cold" of communication: making someone wrong.
In our own thinking, we document our side of the case and its reasonableness. Of course we are right. That means the other person must be wrong. What is up with them?
Discussions intended to prove our position and clear everything up - just speaking my truth, you know - don't have a high rate of success.
Years ago I learned from master teacher David Crump, in his famous Essential Experience Workshop, to remember Rule No. 1.
It is simply, "No one is made wrong."
This was especially challenging for people who were tapping into anger and disappointment from their childhoods, or people who were certain that if the other person in their life would just change, things would be fine. When we heard stories that would lead us to judge someone as hopelessly and maybe harmfully wrong, David would suggest that we all "take a bath in Rule No. 1."
Sitting with the intention to make no one wrong eventually produced a deeper, different way of resolving the issue. Often it led to a healing that had seemed impossible.
Most of the time, we run more subtle versions of making people wrong. It's an easy trap to fall into when something is not working out according to expectations - or when we are not clear ourselves or are afraid of speaking up.
Even more insidious is how we make ourselves wrong. "No one is made wrong" includes us.
Three things to keep in mind about this right-wrong bias:
1. It always has a cost. Whatever your argument, whatever your "rightness" in the situation, being right will come at the cost of someone being wrong. That will come back to bite you one way or another.
2. You do not need to give up your position, your choices, or your perceptions. Knowing that the other person has different perceptions doesn't mean that one is right and one is wrong.
3. Getting hooked is an opportunity to learn. When you find yourself stewing or feeling old familiar feelings, use the opportunity to catch the thread of one of your own old stories: how you are a victim or how other people don't measure up. By yourself or with a skillful friend or therapist, follow the thread and release energy that has been bound up in that story.
As a communicator, the first and perhaps most helpful thing you can do in communication breakdowns is to invoke Rule No. 1. The process of adopting it may take a little while. Once people get there, there is room for everyone to be heard. Forward motion becomes more likely.
This is a good time of year to bring Rule No. 1 into our conscious awareness, as shorter days, family gatherings, and work demands may all bring up sensitive feelings and interpersonal pressures.
While you're feeling buoyant and anticipating the coming months, set yourself a reminder that when things start to get touchy, no one - including yourself - will be made wrong. It's quite possible that this will lead to a new level of mutual understanding.
In our own thinking, we document our side of the case and its reasonableness. Of course we are right. That means the other person must be wrong. What is up with them?
Discussions intended to prove our position and clear everything up - just speaking my truth, you know - don't have a high rate of success.
Years ago I learned from master teacher David Crump, in his famous Essential Experience Workshop, to remember Rule No. 1.
It is simply, "No one is made wrong."
This was especially challenging for people who were tapping into anger and disappointment from their childhoods, or people who were certain that if the other person in their life would just change, things would be fine. When we heard stories that would lead us to judge someone as hopelessly and maybe harmfully wrong, David would suggest that we all "take a bath in Rule No. 1."
Sitting with the intention to make no one wrong eventually produced a deeper, different way of resolving the issue. Often it led to a healing that had seemed impossible.
Most of the time, we run more subtle versions of making people wrong. It's an easy trap to fall into when something is not working out according to expectations - or when we are not clear ourselves or are afraid of speaking up.
Even more insidious is how we make ourselves wrong. "No one is made wrong" includes us.
Three things to keep in mind about this right-wrong bias:
1. It always has a cost. Whatever your argument, whatever your "rightness" in the situation, being right will come at the cost of someone being wrong. That will come back to bite you one way or another.
2. You do not need to give up your position, your choices, or your perceptions. Knowing that the other person has different perceptions doesn't mean that one is right and one is wrong.
3. Getting hooked is an opportunity to learn. When you find yourself stewing or feeling old familiar feelings, use the opportunity to catch the thread of one of your own old stories: how you are a victim or how other people don't measure up. By yourself or with a skillful friend or therapist, follow the thread and release energy that has been bound up in that story.
As a communicator, the first and perhaps most helpful thing you can do in communication breakdowns is to invoke Rule No. 1. The process of adopting it may take a little while. Once people get there, there is room for everyone to be heard. Forward motion becomes more likely.
This is a good time of year to bring Rule No. 1 into our conscious awareness, as shorter days, family gatherings, and work demands may all bring up sensitive feelings and interpersonal pressures.
While you're feeling buoyant and anticipating the coming months, set yourself a reminder that when things start to get touchy, no one - including yourself - will be made wrong. It's quite possible that this will lead to a new level of mutual understanding.
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