What does it take to live up to our ideals?
We all hold certain theories about how people should behave, from our earliest family teachings to the great new technique we learned in a seminar. How fully do we put our theories into practice? It’s easy to see how others are behaving and not necessarily how we are.
We want to believe that we act according to our values. What happens when someone gives us feedback that they don’t experience that from us?
Often, we deny it, or say we didn’t mean it. Or do we take that feedback and really explore what kept us from acting as we believe we should?
Whether we espouse our theories of behavior to others or simply think them to ourselves, it takes effort and attention to get out of automatic responses and be conscious of what we do. Once conscious, it takes practice and sometimes mentorship or coaching to act consistently according to what we believe.
For example, there are plenty of people who don’t think you should speak negatively about someone behind their back. Even so, it’s easy to find instances where we may be venting our feelings and in the process trashing someone else.
Or we think of ourselves as being open and honest, and then find we are holding back information because we fear others' reactions.
Or we want to be compassionate and then someone steps on our last nerve and we feel justified as we snap their head off.
At that moment, theory holds no sway. We may or may not even be observers of our own behavior. It's amazing how much we can delete the aspects of what we do that we would not approve of in someone else.
Self-Assessment
Some people have a basic life position in which they feel superior – they see themselves as more likely to be responsible and effective than others.
Some think they do OK – most of the time, meeting their expectations and not being overly critical of themselves or others.
Some people assume they are falling short, and will find evidence to support their self-criticism.
No matter whether we believe in our superiority, adequacy, or inadequacy, the gap between our intentions and our actions may be equally large.
In fact, when we hold ourselves as superior, it may be harder for us to take in feedback that we aren’t living up to expectations. In this life position we may blunder on even more than someone who assumes they always need to do better.
Once we have recognized that it’s a continual process, not a one-time deal, to bring our intentions into practice, we can set up the internal and external support that we need. Then we are walking our talk more than we are in the common state of denial.
Awareness and willingness to take feedback and work on it are more important than having a perfect shining record that we have to defend.
A Space for Learning
To live up to our ideals, we need
permission for ourselves to make mistakes and to be aware of them,
permission for others to give us feedback,
and opportunities to try out new behaviors.
We also need unconditional support, i.e. to remind ourselves that we are OK and not damaged goods that have to be hidden or fixed.
Whatever our life positions (and tendencies to ask for help or not), a coach can accelerate our learning by helping us with that support, permission, and practice. And playfulness as well.
Acceptance without Complacency
A life paradox is that when we accept something in ourselves or others, it’s easier to change than if we continue to resist and criticize.
Thus a kind of moebius-strip thinking is required: we learn new ideas and hold certain values about how to be in the world, spoken aloud or to ourselves. We have to recognize the gap between where we are and where we want to be.
We need to make changes while accepting ourselves as we are.
That last part, accepting ourselves as we are, may be the bridge to walking our talk. It may also be the most challenging.
(Read this issue of the Syntax Messenger here.)
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Meaningful Action
We want to know that we are having an effect
More than money, more than prestige, most of us are motivated by a sense of purpose, the sense that our actions make a difference. Our choices of when and where to act, and our definitions of what is meaningful, are as unique as we are.
When we feel in alignment with our sense of purpose, it is easy to move forward and gain traction. When we don’t – or when we are distracted by immediate conditions – we feel frustrated or resigned.
In many cases, it’s hard to know what effect our actions are having. This may be a result of our own fuzziness: we don’t know what we want. Or it may be a result of not getting feedback. In some workplaces, people can labor on for weeks without receiving responses to work they have submitted. They have to create some kind of meaning to keep going. Maybe we don’t know our effect because our vision is long-term and big-picture, and we see both progress and obstacles.
A SYNTAX skill that is good to have is the skill of defining goals and recognizing what is meaningful in them. Making evidence explicit gives us indicators of forward motion.
Not knowing what effect our actions are having could be the result of goals that are not well-formed: we are trying to have someone else change and no matter what we do, we are not in charge of that. It is a distraction from creating our own meaning.
At a very basic level, I can get feedback on actions I take – if I turn the corners of my mouth up, I feel happier (each time I re-read that, I like the result). As my goals get large, wanting to have an effect in the world, the results are less and less easy to control and harder to measure.
One of the unique aspects of our individual paths is the extent of the difference we want to make – and do make – in the world. Highly visible people, from politicians to rock stars to TV hosts, send huge ripples through the culture, though none can control the results.
All of us who are less famous have to use our own personal Nielsen ratings to know our reach and whether we have made the difference we want to make.
When we play in finite games,* i.e. those which have a set ending and certain rules, we can take home a trophy when we win. Our name will live on in memory as long as that kind of trophy lives on. Many people’s lives are meaningful because they are pursuing excellence and recognition in finite games.
We may play in finite games as part of a larger scheme of things, and the trophies are not where the meaning lies. We see some celebrities who demonstrate that, as they go beyond winning awards to becoming messengers. Tom Hanks, Oprah Winfrey, and Steve Martin are among those who come to mind.
When we play in infinite games; which are those that have no specific ending, have rules that evolve, and that aim for participation and for the continuation of play; the results are less predictable. This realm is where breakthroughs can occur.
However large a net we cast, we all want to know that we have an effect, preferably a positive one. The path to a positive effect may include having to hear negative feedback and use it as a learning step, making us aware of what we didn’t know that we didn’t know.
To feel that our actions are meaningful, we need to define what matters and go in that direction. It is helpful to find community with others, since we can feel alone in our unique journey.
It is also helpful to have sources of solid feedback for ourselves personally, for our causes, and for our organizations, so that the stories we weave on our journeys result in genuine contributions to the well-being of life.
One thing for sure: signals that our actions are having an effect help us thrive. It’s something we all want. Besides noticing how you are setting your own goals and gathering feedback, how can you provide motivating feedback to other people today? Your meaningful action will have a ripple effect.
(*See Finite and Infinite Games by James P. Karse for deep and extensive discussion of this concept.)
More than money, more than prestige, most of us are motivated by a sense of purpose, the sense that our actions make a difference. Our choices of when and where to act, and our definitions of what is meaningful, are as unique as we are.
When we feel in alignment with our sense of purpose, it is easy to move forward and gain traction. When we don’t – or when we are distracted by immediate conditions – we feel frustrated or resigned.
In many cases, it’s hard to know what effect our actions are having. This may be a result of our own fuzziness: we don’t know what we want. Or it may be a result of not getting feedback. In some workplaces, people can labor on for weeks without receiving responses to work they have submitted. They have to create some kind of meaning to keep going. Maybe we don’t know our effect because our vision is long-term and big-picture, and we see both progress and obstacles.
A SYNTAX skill that is good to have is the skill of defining goals and recognizing what is meaningful in them. Making evidence explicit gives us indicators of forward motion.
Not knowing what effect our actions are having could be the result of goals that are not well-formed: we are trying to have someone else change and no matter what we do, we are not in charge of that. It is a distraction from creating our own meaning.
At a very basic level, I can get feedback on actions I take – if I turn the corners of my mouth up, I feel happier (each time I re-read that, I like the result). As my goals get large, wanting to have an effect in the world, the results are less and less easy to control and harder to measure.
One of the unique aspects of our individual paths is the extent of the difference we want to make – and do make – in the world. Highly visible people, from politicians to rock stars to TV hosts, send huge ripples through the culture, though none can control the results.
All of us who are less famous have to use our own personal Nielsen ratings to know our reach and whether we have made the difference we want to make.
When we play in finite games,* i.e. those which have a set ending and certain rules, we can take home a trophy when we win. Our name will live on in memory as long as that kind of trophy lives on. Many people’s lives are meaningful because they are pursuing excellence and recognition in finite games.
We may play in finite games as part of a larger scheme of things, and the trophies are not where the meaning lies. We see some celebrities who demonstrate that, as they go beyond winning awards to becoming messengers. Tom Hanks, Oprah Winfrey, and Steve Martin are among those who come to mind.
When we play in infinite games; which are those that have no specific ending, have rules that evolve, and that aim for participation and for the continuation of play; the results are less predictable. This realm is where breakthroughs can occur.
However large a net we cast, we all want to know that we have an effect, preferably a positive one. The path to a positive effect may include having to hear negative feedback and use it as a learning step, making us aware of what we didn’t know that we didn’t know.
To feel that our actions are meaningful, we need to define what matters and go in that direction. It is helpful to find community with others, since we can feel alone in our unique journey.
It is also helpful to have sources of solid feedback for ourselves personally, for our causes, and for our organizations, so that the stories we weave on our journeys result in genuine contributions to the well-being of life.
One thing for sure: signals that our actions are having an effect help us thrive. It’s something we all want. Besides noticing how you are setting your own goals and gathering feedback, how can you provide motivating feedback to other people today? Your meaningful action will have a ripple effect.
(*See Finite and Infinite Games by James P. Karse for deep and extensive discussion of this concept.)
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Knowing Our Limits
Finding the edge without falling over
If you set high expectations for yourself, you push until you reach a limit. It could be that you run out of time, or knowledge, or stamina. It could be that something breaks or doesn't work for what you need. This is part of everyday life for all of us in the techno-business-media world.
We live in narratives of unlimited possibility - you can do or be anything you set your mind to. And we have our limitations. How do we balance on the edge?
We are amazing creatures, to be able to manage the systems we deal with on a daily basis. Just think of all you have navigated so far today: car, computer (or several), cellphone. Did you visit Facebook or LinkedIn, and go through your email? Did you use a spreadsheet, a calendar, presentation software, and a word processor? And communicate effectively with family members and co-workers both near and far?
Last week I was listening to a talk about expanding our awareness and our recognition of how multidimensional we are. Later, in yoga class, the teacher asked us to hold the entire field of our body and all our sensations in mind at once. It was very enjoyable to feel the energy and potential available.
In my moment of expanded self-awareness, I decided that I would like to increase my compassion– beginning with kindness to myself as I held the more difficult poses!
Given the limitations of what I could physically perform, I was aware of my frustration and self-criticism. Pushing oneself in yoga or in any form of workout is a great chance to observe both limitations and how we respond to them. Often the frustration is something we just tolerate, without awareness or conscious choice.
When we are up against technology, i.e. computers and electronic communication, we get to deal with other kinds of limits. We are so blessed to have these extensions in the first place, and then we get to deal with their limitations!
In the flow of working on a team project, I received several email messages about attachments I had sent, due to having used Oracle's (formerly Sun's) Open Office program. I had not remembered that whenever I use this software I have to save it into the dominant software format for others to read it.
I imagined a dialogue with the makers of Open Office. They have certainly done their best to get their free software out there – no doubt working hard to make it compatible with other programs, enticing corporate customers to adopt it as a standard, asking for feedback. Yet, there are limits to their reach, which cascade out to their users and the users' networks. Their competitors are clearly not on board, not even offering to convert the files.
When confronted with these limits, we choose the workarounds that we can find most easily. Sometimes we jump through a lot of hoops to get from point A to point B.
In this material / technological world, no one knows enough to manage all of the systems. If we tried to learn them all, we would run into the limitation of time anyway. We just can't.
Whether the limitations are due to history (we can't change the programs too much or they won't be able to read earlier versions) or technical capabilities or competitive strategies or human frailty, we will keep encountering them as part of the overhead of progress.
Eric Berrne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, said that we are motivated by thinking we are irresistible, immortal, or omnipotent. Advertisers know this. It's popular to act as if there are no limits. Especially if you buy their product, subscribe to the belief system, attend their training.
Ironically, I like to quote Richard Bach's famous line, "Argue for your limitations, and they are yours." Today the message is more about gentleness and tolerance.
When we experience limitations we are reminded that we are not omnipotent. In fact, we live in a world so complex that we must overcome apparent limits all the time.
Without lapsing into self-pity, we can stop the criticism and channel the frustration. Despite the transformational hype, the limits to what we can do are not a reflection of inadequacy.
Rather, they can serve as reminders to be compassionate to ourselves and others, and to ask for help, sooner rather than later. One of the most valuable skills of a good coach is to help clarify our priorities. We will not overcome every limitation, and we need to address the ones that really keep us from the joy and satisfaction we seek.
As I began to put this together, reflecting on our limitations, the power went out. The full realization of our interdependence - and our shared limitations - comes when some system that we depend upon breaks down. I could still type on the one computer that had Open Office, as it was charged up. Couldn't get to anything on the desktop computers or online. This time I could get to the workaround and laugh about the coincidence of timing.
My hope is that as we are faced with many challenges and limitations, the seemingly individual ones and the collective ones, we will have enough humor and compassion to untangle ourselves and focus on what's really important - and what we CAN do.
If you set high expectations for yourself, you push until you reach a limit. It could be that you run out of time, or knowledge, or stamina. It could be that something breaks or doesn't work for what you need. This is part of everyday life for all of us in the techno-business-media world.
We live in narratives of unlimited possibility - you can do or be anything you set your mind to. And we have our limitations. How do we balance on the edge?
We are amazing creatures, to be able to manage the systems we deal with on a daily basis. Just think of all you have navigated so far today: car, computer (or several), cellphone. Did you visit Facebook or LinkedIn, and go through your email? Did you use a spreadsheet, a calendar, presentation software, and a word processor? And communicate effectively with family members and co-workers both near and far?
Last week I was listening to a talk about expanding our awareness and our recognition of how multidimensional we are. Later, in yoga class, the teacher asked us to hold the entire field of our body and all our sensations in mind at once. It was very enjoyable to feel the energy and potential available.
In my moment of expanded self-awareness, I decided that I would like to increase my compassion– beginning with kindness to myself as I held the more difficult poses!
Given the limitations of what I could physically perform, I was aware of my frustration and self-criticism. Pushing oneself in yoga or in any form of workout is a great chance to observe both limitations and how we respond to them. Often the frustration is something we just tolerate, without awareness or conscious choice.
When we are up against technology, i.e. computers and electronic communication, we get to deal with other kinds of limits. We are so blessed to have these extensions in the first place, and then we get to deal with their limitations!
In the flow of working on a team project, I received several email messages about attachments I had sent, due to having used Oracle's (formerly Sun's) Open Office program. I had not remembered that whenever I use this software I have to save it into the dominant software format for others to read it.
I imagined a dialogue with the makers of Open Office. They have certainly done their best to get their free software out there – no doubt working hard to make it compatible with other programs, enticing corporate customers to adopt it as a standard, asking for feedback. Yet, there are limits to their reach, which cascade out to their users and the users' networks. Their competitors are clearly not on board, not even offering to convert the files.
When confronted with these limits, we choose the workarounds that we can find most easily. Sometimes we jump through a lot of hoops to get from point A to point B.
In this material / technological world, no one knows enough to manage all of the systems. If we tried to learn them all, we would run into the limitation of time anyway. We just can't.
Whether the limitations are due to history (we can't change the programs too much or they won't be able to read earlier versions) or technical capabilities or competitive strategies or human frailty, we will keep encountering them as part of the overhead of progress.
Eric Berrne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, said that we are motivated by thinking we are irresistible, immortal, or omnipotent. Advertisers know this. It's popular to act as if there are no limits. Especially if you buy their product, subscribe to the belief system, attend their training.
Ironically, I like to quote Richard Bach's famous line, "Argue for your limitations, and they are yours." Today the message is more about gentleness and tolerance.
When we experience limitations we are reminded that we are not omnipotent. In fact, we live in a world so complex that we must overcome apparent limits all the time.
Without lapsing into self-pity, we can stop the criticism and channel the frustration. Despite the transformational hype, the limits to what we can do are not a reflection of inadequacy.
Rather, they can serve as reminders to be compassionate to ourselves and others, and to ask for help, sooner rather than later. One of the most valuable skills of a good coach is to help clarify our priorities. We will not overcome every limitation, and we need to address the ones that really keep us from the joy and satisfaction we seek.
As I began to put this together, reflecting on our limitations, the power went out. The full realization of our interdependence - and our shared limitations - comes when some system that we depend upon breaks down. I could still type on the one computer that had Open Office, as it was charged up. Couldn't get to anything on the desktop computers or online. This time I could get to the workaround and laugh about the coincidence of timing.
My hope is that as we are faced with many challenges and limitations, the seemingly individual ones and the collective ones, we will have enough humor and compassion to untangle ourselves and focus on what's really important - and what we CAN do.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Send It Again, Sam!
Research supports repetition
If you really want to get something done, walk down the hall or pick up the phone, send an email and follow up with a text. That’s what a project manager in a recent study did to make sure that her message got through.
Turns out that the more we ask, and the more channels we use, the more likely we are to get action. Clarity of requests is not as essential as repetition (even though we at Syntax still strongly favor clear requests!).
Harvard Business School’s Working Knowledge newsletter reported on the surprising results of a study by professors at Harvard and Northwestern. They shadowed 13 project managers across three industries for a total of 256 hours, examining media, timing, and power.
One interesting aspect of the study was that messages to nudge people into action communicated a threat of what would happen if they didn’t act quickly. These were project managers under pressure. They apparently transmitted the urgency they were feeling. Some spelled out the threat, others made it evident more indirectly.
Authority Is No Guarantee
How often and how creatively the requesters communicated varied first of all with their position power.
The managers with direct authority tended to ask once, or maybe twice, maybe just in an email message.
Their messages told recipients of the negative consequences they wanted to avert. It didn’t work very well. These managers more often had to do damage control because the action they counted on was not in fact done.
Other managers who had to influence without direct authority took more initiative and used more channels to communicate. They were the ones who made personal requests and then used other media.
A nuance in the communication was that these managers often conveyed the threat indirectly, leaving it up to the recipient to recognize the urgency. The number of messages and the use of various media increased the odds of the message getting a response.
Go Ahead, Ask Again
Bottom line is a reminder of the adage we heard many years ago: instructions have to be given at least three times. We follow that to advantage when teaching SYNTAX courses.
As they said in Working Knowledge, perhaps it isn’t nagging. Or maybe it is, and it’s just what you have to do in this overly stimulating world of workplace communication!
Either way: be prepared to send crucial information and requests more than once, in more than one medium, if you want people to respond.
If you really want to get something done, walk down the hall or pick up the phone, send an email and follow up with a text. That’s what a project manager in a recent study did to make sure that her message got through.
Turns out that the more we ask, and the more channels we use, the more likely we are to get action. Clarity of requests is not as essential as repetition (even though we at Syntax still strongly favor clear requests!).
Harvard Business School’s Working Knowledge newsletter reported on the surprising results of a study by professors at Harvard and Northwestern. They shadowed 13 project managers across three industries for a total of 256 hours, examining media, timing, and power.
One interesting aspect of the study was that messages to nudge people into action communicated a threat of what would happen if they didn’t act quickly. These were project managers under pressure. They apparently transmitted the urgency they were feeling. Some spelled out the threat, others made it evident more indirectly.
Authority Is No Guarantee
How often and how creatively the requesters communicated varied first of all with their position power.
The managers with direct authority tended to ask once, or maybe twice, maybe just in an email message.
Their messages told recipients of the negative consequences they wanted to avert. It didn’t work very well. These managers more often had to do damage control because the action they counted on was not in fact done.
Other managers who had to influence without direct authority took more initiative and used more channels to communicate. They were the ones who made personal requests and then used other media.
A nuance in the communication was that these managers often conveyed the threat indirectly, leaving it up to the recipient to recognize the urgency. The number of messages and the use of various media increased the odds of the message getting a response.
Go Ahead, Ask Again
Bottom line is a reminder of the adage we heard many years ago: instructions have to be given at least three times. We follow that to advantage when teaching SYNTAX courses.
As they said in Working Knowledge, perhaps it isn’t nagging. Or maybe it is, and it’s just what you have to do in this overly stimulating world of workplace communication!
Either way: be prepared to send crucial information and requests more than once, in more than one medium, if you want people to respond.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Fair Exchange
What is "fair" and why does it matter?
Joan, who works as a professional organizer, was puzzled when she would offer to help someone out at no charge, then they wouldn’t even show for the scheduled appointment.
Harold, a psychic friend, offered free readings to prospective clients. He found that the ones who called for free never went on to become paying clients.
If you have ever staged a free event, you know that the actual attendance is usually smaller than the number of people who say they will come.
Health care workers who give free sessions may find that the recipients don’t actually get better. Counselors who proffer too much know the result of giving free advice. The person can seem to take your advice and then make the situation even worse because of how they use it! And then, of course, the bad advice you gave is at fault.
It is not unusual for people in the helping professions to feel dubious about asking for money. Whether it is a concern that the value will not be enough to warrant the fee, a sense of not deserving it, guilt for asking, or fear of disapproval, embarrassment, or rejection, it may seem easier to give service away for free or at a discount. Then, having the person not show up or not benefit from what you have given away is a letdown, reinforcing the perception that the service did not have value.
When we give our services away, a funny thing happens. Ramona DiDomenico, founder of the Institute for Transformational Facilitation in Lake Tahoe, first called my attention to this phenomenon. As Ramona pointed out, at a deep level, people actually prefer fair exchange over being out of balance.
Insisting that someone exchange something for your services is not a sign of greed or of a lack of generosity. It is a way to ensure that the value you intend to give is actually received. It is an opportunity for the receiver to recognize the value of investing in themselves.
In negotiation, we understand what it means to say that someone “has skin in the game.” If they have nothing at stake, they will actually bring the value down in their own minds to create a condition of fair exchange.
Business traditions can produce imbalance in the other direction. An old friend of mine had a bias about negotiating being a win-lose proposition. He had been raised in a traditional sales mindset. He always wanted to have the advantage in any deal that he did. His short term gains made others reluctant to negotiate with him over time.
The belief that we should always try to get the better end of the deal goes pretty deep in business cultures. Getting a good deal, and being able to step into the other person’s shoes to ensure that it really works for them too, results in a better deal and a better relationship for both.
In the age of internet marketing, there are many “free” offers out there. We need to realize that the exchange is for our contact information, our attention, and the possibility that we or those in our circle of influence will buy. Free events ask for your time and participation. I know some people who charge a fee for registrants only if they don’t show up.
Many currencies other than money can produce fair exchange. Sometimes we give just for the pleasure of helping. As long as it isn’t a discount to the service or the recipient, and we are not awaiting some form of payback, generosity can be its own reward. Sometimes our willingness to receive is a gift to someone who wants to give.
A good way to stay in balance and make sure that an exchange is fair is for each party to do a “gut check.” Does it really feel right? Or is someone one-up and someone one-down? I have sometimes paid more than I was asked when it felt out of balance. I would rather pay a little more than unconsciously devalue what I am receiving.
Take a look at where your relationships may be out of balance and see what you or the other person may be discounting. Keep your “accounts” current whenever possible. And remember that your investment of time and skill is just as valuable as anyone else’s.
(P.S. This is for humans. Do not try it with cats!)
Joan, who works as a professional organizer, was puzzled when she would offer to help someone out at no charge, then they wouldn’t even show for the scheduled appointment.
Harold, a psychic friend, offered free readings to prospective clients. He found that the ones who called for free never went on to become paying clients.
If you have ever staged a free event, you know that the actual attendance is usually smaller than the number of people who say they will come.
Health care workers who give free sessions may find that the recipients don’t actually get better. Counselors who proffer too much know the result of giving free advice. The person can seem to take your advice and then make the situation even worse because of how they use it! And then, of course, the bad advice you gave is at fault.
It is not unusual for people in the helping professions to feel dubious about asking for money. Whether it is a concern that the value will not be enough to warrant the fee, a sense of not deserving it, guilt for asking, or fear of disapproval, embarrassment, or rejection, it may seem easier to give service away for free or at a discount. Then, having the person not show up or not benefit from what you have given away is a letdown, reinforcing the perception that the service did not have value.
When we give our services away, a funny thing happens. Ramona DiDomenico, founder of the Institute for Transformational Facilitation in Lake Tahoe, first called my attention to this phenomenon. As Ramona pointed out, at a deep level, people actually prefer fair exchange over being out of balance.
Insisting that someone exchange something for your services is not a sign of greed or of a lack of generosity. It is a way to ensure that the value you intend to give is actually received. It is an opportunity for the receiver to recognize the value of investing in themselves.
In negotiation, we understand what it means to say that someone “has skin in the game.” If they have nothing at stake, they will actually bring the value down in their own minds to create a condition of fair exchange.
Business traditions can produce imbalance in the other direction. An old friend of mine had a bias about negotiating being a win-lose proposition. He had been raised in a traditional sales mindset. He always wanted to have the advantage in any deal that he did. His short term gains made others reluctant to negotiate with him over time.
The belief that we should always try to get the better end of the deal goes pretty deep in business cultures. Getting a good deal, and being able to step into the other person’s shoes to ensure that it really works for them too, results in a better deal and a better relationship for both.
In the age of internet marketing, there are many “free” offers out there. We need to realize that the exchange is for our contact information, our attention, and the possibility that we or those in our circle of influence will buy. Free events ask for your time and participation. I know some people who charge a fee for registrants only if they don’t show up.
Many currencies other than money can produce fair exchange. Sometimes we give just for the pleasure of helping. As long as it isn’t a discount to the service or the recipient, and we are not awaiting some form of payback, generosity can be its own reward. Sometimes our willingness to receive is a gift to someone who wants to give.
A good way to stay in balance and make sure that an exchange is fair is for each party to do a “gut check.” Does it really feel right? Or is someone one-up and someone one-down? I have sometimes paid more than I was asked when it felt out of balance. I would rather pay a little more than unconsciously devalue what I am receiving.
Take a look at where your relationships may be out of balance and see what you or the other person may be discounting. Keep your “accounts” current whenever possible. And remember that your investment of time and skill is just as valuable as anyone else’s.
(P.S. This is for humans. Do not try it with cats!)
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
How Curious Are You?
The quality of curiosity may be our most valuable hidden asset.
What Curiosity Does For Us
With curiosity, we are open to learning more than “the right answer.”
We get unstuck. We go places that give us new perspectives. We ask questions that open unseen possibilities. We bring our attention to other people and experiences. We test our imagination in concrete reality. We find things in reality that we could never have imagined. And even better, we feel good and have fun when we are being curious.
As Jay Cross (author of the wonderful book Informal Learning) blogs, “A study of some 3,000 creative executives, conducted by researchers at Brigham Young University and the INSEAD business school, found that what linked all of these Steve Jobs-types, perhaps more than anything else, was their curiosity and willingness to question—‘the same kind of inquisitiveness you see in small children,’according to Hal Gregersen, one of the authors of the study.”
Cross also notes that Einstein said if he had an hour to come up with a solution on which his life depended, he would spend the first fifty-five minutes figuring out the right question to ask.
Real curiosity pushes the boundaries, thinks a lot of “what-if” questions, and actively exercises creativity. Creative thinking exercises, from provocateurs such as Edward DeBono (see Lateral Thinking), help find new things about which to be curious.
Last week, after a radio interview; I reflected on how Hollis, the interviewer, had successfully brought out many aspects of how Syntax helps people have good relationships. She asked very simple questions, with curiosity. It was easy for me to follow her lead. It's a well-honed skill demonstrated by the best TV interviewers. Charlie Rose's curiosity mines his guests' knowledge and opinions, resulting in a depth of understanding that shallow questions don't offer.
Being curious is an asset in both work and personal relationships, motivating us to be truly interested in the other person’s perspective. If we could just be curious when there’s a breakdown, instead of mad or confused, we would find many good pathways to resolution.
What Keeps Us From Being Curious?
Since this quality is so valuable and enjoyable, what dampens our curiosity?
In part, our cultural beliefs and practices. Another part is our fear of being embarrassed when we take risks.
Kids naturally ask a lot of questions. Parents and teachers can break down under the barrage and discourage the questions. Adults do this most when they are uncomfortable with the subject of the child's curiosity. This can shut down kids' curiosity across the board.
Plus, we are flooded with stimuli and information in today's plugged-in world, and sometimes it is hard to stay curious. We have a kind of learning fatigue. Hence we may need to renew our curiosity on a regular basis, by engaging in play and rest and unstructured time. Fortunately, curiosity seems to be an endlessly renewable resource.
Leaders or experts may not want to show curiosity, especially at work, since they feel obligated to provide answers. After all, wasn't that why they were hired?
Curiosity may appear naïve or childlike, making people feel vulnerable. It's exactly this kind of authenticity that brings forth a willingness to risk being open. Both organizational and technical leadership are well served by valuing curiosity and demonstrating it at every available occasion.
Share Your Curiosity
Sharing curiosity leverages it in several ways. One is to provoke others to question their assumptions and come up with new approaches.
Creating a culture of questioning increases innovation. Recent research shows a trend in science toward citing team research more often than individual research, an indicator that collaborative innovation may be more productive than working alone.
That poor cat killed by curiosity lives on today, warning us against taking risks and following our noses, so to speak. For whatever reasons, societies and organizations have wanted to pull people back to the cultural center and keep them off the fringes.
Perhaps they do this for the same reasons that I worry when my curious cat, Charcoal, starts climbing a tree. The first time he did that, he didn't know what he was doing and got stuck way up high in a rather dangerous situation. The cool thing is that he seems to have learned. Exploration leads to experience and he has gotten smarter about trees.
We can extend that same expectation to humans – that curiosity leads to learning, which we then - hopefully - apply.
So the bigger risk is in not being curious – in staying walled inside old patterns or routines. Rather than being childish, it is an ability to be child-like.
How do you encourage yourself and others to be curious? Think some playful thoughts and ask unusual questions. You may open unexpected doors to success – and whatever comes of it, you will have a good time!
What Curiosity Does For Us
With curiosity, we are open to learning more than “the right answer.”
We get unstuck. We go places that give us new perspectives. We ask questions that open unseen possibilities. We bring our attention to other people and experiences. We test our imagination in concrete reality. We find things in reality that we could never have imagined. And even better, we feel good and have fun when we are being curious.
As Jay Cross (author of the wonderful book Informal Learning) blogs, “A study of some 3,000 creative executives, conducted by researchers at Brigham Young University and the INSEAD business school, found that what linked all of these Steve Jobs-types, perhaps more than anything else, was their curiosity and willingness to question—‘the same kind of inquisitiveness you see in small children,’according to Hal Gregersen, one of the authors of the study.”
Cross also notes that Einstein said if he had an hour to come up with a solution on which his life depended, he would spend the first fifty-five minutes figuring out the right question to ask.
Real curiosity pushes the boundaries, thinks a lot of “what-if” questions, and actively exercises creativity. Creative thinking exercises, from provocateurs such as Edward DeBono (see Lateral Thinking), help find new things about which to be curious.
Last week, after a radio interview; I reflected on how Hollis, the interviewer, had successfully brought out many aspects of how Syntax helps people have good relationships. She asked very simple questions, with curiosity. It was easy for me to follow her lead. It's a well-honed skill demonstrated by the best TV interviewers. Charlie Rose's curiosity mines his guests' knowledge and opinions, resulting in a depth of understanding that shallow questions don't offer.
Being curious is an asset in both work and personal relationships, motivating us to be truly interested in the other person’s perspective. If we could just be curious when there’s a breakdown, instead of mad or confused, we would find many good pathways to resolution.
What Keeps Us From Being Curious?
Since this quality is so valuable and enjoyable, what dampens our curiosity?
In part, our cultural beliefs and practices. Another part is our fear of being embarrassed when we take risks.
Kids naturally ask a lot of questions. Parents and teachers can break down under the barrage and discourage the questions. Adults do this most when they are uncomfortable with the subject of the child's curiosity. This can shut down kids' curiosity across the board.
Plus, we are flooded with stimuli and information in today's plugged-in world, and sometimes it is hard to stay curious. We have a kind of learning fatigue. Hence we may need to renew our curiosity on a regular basis, by engaging in play and rest and unstructured time. Fortunately, curiosity seems to be an endlessly renewable resource.
Leaders or experts may not want to show curiosity, especially at work, since they feel obligated to provide answers. After all, wasn't that why they were hired?
Curiosity may appear naïve or childlike, making people feel vulnerable. It's exactly this kind of authenticity that brings forth a willingness to risk being open. Both organizational and technical leadership are well served by valuing curiosity and demonstrating it at every available occasion.
Share Your Curiosity
Sharing curiosity leverages it in several ways. One is to provoke others to question their assumptions and come up with new approaches.
Creating a culture of questioning increases innovation. Recent research shows a trend in science toward citing team research more often than individual research, an indicator that collaborative innovation may be more productive than working alone.
That poor cat killed by curiosity lives on today, warning us against taking risks and following our noses, so to speak. For whatever reasons, societies and organizations have wanted to pull people back to the cultural center and keep them off the fringes.
Perhaps they do this for the same reasons that I worry when my curious cat, Charcoal, starts climbing a tree. The first time he did that, he didn't know what he was doing and got stuck way up high in a rather dangerous situation. The cool thing is that he seems to have learned. Exploration leads to experience and he has gotten smarter about trees.
We can extend that same expectation to humans – that curiosity leads to learning, which we then - hopefully - apply.
So the bigger risk is in not being curious – in staying walled inside old patterns or routines. Rather than being childish, it is an ability to be child-like.
How do you encourage yourself and others to be curious? Think some playful thoughts and ask unusual questions. You may open unexpected doors to success – and whatever comes of it, you will have a good time!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Lucy Freedman interview March 16
Tune in to my interview on Hollis Polk's internet radio show,
"Your Life, Your Relationships"
on Wed., 3/16 @ 3PM PDT!
Listen live at Progressive Radio Network!
Afterward you will be able to download the podcast at that address.
We will start off with the topic of my latest blog on Integrity -
and who knows where we will go from there!
Also, Hollis takes phone calls from listeners during the show.
Hope you can join us.
"Your Life, Your Relationships"
on Wed., 3/16 @ 3PM PDT!
Listen live at Progressive Radio Network!
Afterward you will be able to download the podcast at that address.
We will start off with the topic of my latest blog on Integrity -
and who knows where we will go from there!
Also, Hollis takes phone calls from listeners during the show.
Hope you can join us.
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