Neurolinguistic Programming, or NLP, teaches us to listen with our senses; that is, to hear the specific words people say that tell us the sensory system they are using.
We speak in seeing, hearing, and feeling terms that actually represent how we are thinking. If you listen with awareness of sensory systems, you can appreciate the diversity of our personal syntax.
This week, the insightful TV interviewer, Charlie Rose, had actor Morgan Freeman on his show, talking about what it was like to play Nelson Mandela in the new movie Invictus.
To the conscious listener, Freeman gave an elegant demonstration of how his senses inform his work.
When asked how he observed Mandela to get into the character, he said it wasn't anything he saw or heard. He asked Mandela if he could hold his hand. He said he could not explain or intellectualize it. He could feel the quiet inside.
Later in the interview, he described getting into another character, a principal who inspired students. Freeman had learned the technique with that principal. He held his hand and could feel huge amount of energy going on inside. Feeling that charge allowed him to step into the role. The change in the actor's demeanor was visible as he spoke of this. Several times he mentioned that he couldn't put what he knows kinesthetically into words (and then, being a brilliant person, he did anyway).
He talked about approaching Clint Eastwood to direct Invictus, and when asked why Eastwood, he said "His feel for storytelling. I don't know how to tell you what that is.. He just knows when a scene is dragging..." giving another example of his strong kinesthetic (feeling) system.
Later, Freeman talked about a peak experience of an acting day with Matt Damon, saying it was the "connection" between them that was so memorable.
Morgan Freeman conveys great depth of emotion as an actor. Listening to him speak and watching how he responds to questions illuminates the personal syntax that makes his talent possible.
You may want to try listening to people's personal syntax with this filter: are they using words that indicate seeing, hearing, feeling? In what sequence? Do not categorize people as either visual, auditory, or kinesthetic. We all use all systems, in different sequences and priorities.
If I say "I have to get a feel for what you are saying before I can picture it," I am really telling you how I think and how I can best receive information at the moment.
Whether you are a manager, colleague, teacher, or parent, it's worth knowing how each person's way of processing - their personal syntax - reveals their talent and special kind of intelligence. The first step is to hear, then to practice flexibility in your own speech, to match the sequences used by the other person.
You can learn more about this in our book Smart Work, or by taking a SYNTAX course, or by researching NLP resources online. Having the distinctions of sensory representations is both entertaining and extremely helpful in making choices as we work and live with other people.
Check it out, especially the next time you have a chance to watch a master talk about his or her work.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Can You Say "And"?
Have you noticed the difference in how people respond when you use the word and instead of but in a sentence?
If you listen to newscasters and politicians, you will frequently hear the word but as if for emphasis. It disrupts the flow of the thought that came before, perhaps to set up an important point in a debate. This may work - though I wouldn't count on it - if you really are in a debate. If you don't want a debate, your choice of words can have much more influence than most people realize.
A friend with a couple of kids at home remarked on the huge difference she has found when she catches herself about to say but and changes it to and. For example, when her nine-year-old says he wants to go to a friend's house at a time they already had plans, she can say, "You want to go to Joe's house AND we already have plans to go skating." He gets it right away and is a lot less likely to argue than if she had said the same thing with but in the middle.
I used to wonder if this was just one of those ideas that communication coaches believe in and that don't have enough effect to make it worth the effort of changing. After years of practicing the A word, and catching instances of But that I wouldn't have otherwise noticed, I can report that it works not just for communication but also (there's a legit use of but!) for expanding our ability to think about complexity.
When we are in either-or mode, we are less equipped to deal with the blended realities we are sorting through every day. When we are able to handle both-and, we absorb and manage mulitple priorities. We still make decisions, clarify thoughts, and challenge assumptions.
If you baven't tried it, don't assume that and and but are pretty much parallel with different meanings. At first you may not hear yourself saying but, AND if you go on a "but diet" (note that I could have said but and didn't), you will become better at hearing and changing from but to and. AND... maybe you'll find some unexpected breakthroughs in conversations with yourself as well as others.
I believe that the little mindshift this represents may be a key to getting along better on many levels in a diverse, pluralistic world. Certainly, rigid boundaries cause stress and conflict, which may be avoidable with more flexibility.
Whether you are interested in the bigger worldview or not, try it out for yourself. For a while you may find yourself saying the transitional version, which sounds like "ButAND". It does smooth out, or it becomes a signal among familiars that we are on the verge of expanding our thinking.
Be wary of the "however" solution - those in the know call that "a but in a tuxedo." Has the same effect even if it sounds fancy.
You could get a huge payback for a little effort when you decide to go conscious on your use of but and and. Check it out and share what you learn. AND we will be glad to hear about it!
If you listen to newscasters and politicians, you will frequently hear the word but as if for emphasis. It disrupts the flow of the thought that came before, perhaps to set up an important point in a debate. This may work - though I wouldn't count on it - if you really are in a debate. If you don't want a debate, your choice of words can have much more influence than most people realize.
A friend with a couple of kids at home remarked on the huge difference she has found when she catches herself about to say but and changes it to and. For example, when her nine-year-old says he wants to go to a friend's house at a time they already had plans, she can say, "You want to go to Joe's house AND we already have plans to go skating." He gets it right away and is a lot less likely to argue than if she had said the same thing with but in the middle.
I used to wonder if this was just one of those ideas that communication coaches believe in and that don't have enough effect to make it worth the effort of changing. After years of practicing the A word, and catching instances of But that I wouldn't have otherwise noticed, I can report that it works not just for communication but also (there's a legit use of but!) for expanding our ability to think about complexity.
When we are in either-or mode, we are less equipped to deal with the blended realities we are sorting through every day. When we are able to handle both-and, we absorb and manage mulitple priorities. We still make decisions, clarify thoughts, and challenge assumptions.
If you baven't tried it, don't assume that and and but are pretty much parallel with different meanings. At first you may not hear yourself saying but, AND if you go on a "but diet" (note that I could have said but and didn't), you will become better at hearing and changing from but to and. AND... maybe you'll find some unexpected breakthroughs in conversations with yourself as well as others.
I believe that the little mindshift this represents may be a key to getting along better on many levels in a diverse, pluralistic world. Certainly, rigid boundaries cause stress and conflict, which may be avoidable with more flexibility.
Whether you are interested in the bigger worldview or not, try it out for yourself. For a while you may find yourself saying the transitional version, which sounds like "ButAND". It does smooth out, or it becomes a signal among familiars that we are on the verge of expanding our thinking.
Be wary of the "however" solution - those in the know call that "a but in a tuxedo." Has the same effect even if it sounds fancy.
You could get a huge payback for a little effort when you decide to go conscious on your use of but and and. Check it out and share what you learn. AND we will be glad to hear about it!
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Desperately Seeking The Healthy Organization
In writing an article on Co-Creating the OK Organization, I have asked people working in a whole range of organizations - from high tech to social work, from manufacturing to software, finance to education - it's hard to find stories of people who love their organizations. Yes, they may love their work, or the people with whom they work. Some are proud to work for their companies even if they find it frustrating.
The good supervisor or manager goes a long way to deflect negativity. On the other hand, needing to stay in a job for health insurance or fear of unemployment doesn't help at all. People suffering at work is an old story, despite the efforts of management(when they do care, which is not always apparent) and sophisticated consultants since the middle of the last century.
Whoever has a story about a healthy organization, or one of which they are proud, please tell me all about it. It would be great to learn what that's like and how it's done. For me and everyone who goes to work each day. Let's make organizations reflect the best of what's possible. And more to come on this topic as I work through the research process.
The good supervisor or manager goes a long way to deflect negativity. On the other hand, needing to stay in a job for health insurance or fear of unemployment doesn't help at all. People suffering at work is an old story, despite the efforts of management(when they do care, which is not always apparent) and sophisticated consultants since the middle of the last century.
Whoever has a story about a healthy organization, or one of which they are proud, please tell me all about it. It would be great to learn what that's like and how it's done. For me and everyone who goes to work each day. Let's make organizations reflect the best of what's possible. And more to come on this topic as I work through the research process.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
What I love about Transactional Analysis (TA)
For those who came of age after the 70's, Transactional Analysis is probably not even on the radar screen. TA, known for the widespread memes of 'I'm OK - You're OK,' 'Inner Child,' 'Life Scripts,' and 'Games People Play,' had a profound impact on personal growth, psychotherapy, and even the EST seminars which have morphed over time into Forum and Landmark. TA is one of the Communication Models I was studying when I gave the name Communication Modeling to the profession of learning how to make work and personal relationships successful.
Just today in a life-coaching session I rediscovered what it is that I love so much about TA.
My client wants to design a life in which she will be happy. We talk about what is going on now in her life, including visits to her family, which provide insight also into her past.
With TA language, and the knowledge about how we develop our individual personalities against a backdrop of family and culture, I could speak directly to and about the Child, and the Parent and Adult, that form a whole grownup personality. The profound realizations, the next steps for my client as the resourceful woman she is, the understanding of how things make sense from a Child point of view, open doors to designing that life that she wants to lead.
The issues that block her are very clear and workable from this perspective. She can own complete responsibility for her actions and what she wants while I can provide new information that she did not receive the first time around.
Her grownup self can take care of her child self in such a way that she keeps the best of her early parenting and adds new aspects that give her consistent internal support.
Rather than getting caught up in the stories about the others in her life and how they are treating her, we can work from the center out. She can see the concentric circles of how she recreates old patterns. And she can learn what to do about it.
TA is known for simple, direct language. But it is not simplistic; it is understandable and recognizable to real human beings. It takes a decent amount of training to be good with TA, as with anything. It aims at high ideals, at healthy development, ok-ok relationships, autonomy and interdependence.
Although TA did not get a lasting foothold in academic psych, it is being taught and learned by people and helping professionals around the world. Perhaps the people who establish standards for counseling and psychotherapy - not to mention life coaching -are missing out on a major stepping stone when they overlook TA.
The USA Transactional Analysis association is launching introductory TA trainings around the country, as well as co-sponsoring a conference on Redecision Therapy and TA in November in New Orleans (go to www.redecisionconference.org for more info.).
As a coach, therapist, counselor... or modeler of communication, it's worth checking out.
Just today in a life-coaching session I rediscovered what it is that I love so much about TA.
My client wants to design a life in which she will be happy. We talk about what is going on now in her life, including visits to her family, which provide insight also into her past.
With TA language, and the knowledge about how we develop our individual personalities against a backdrop of family and culture, I could speak directly to and about the Child, and the Parent and Adult, that form a whole grownup personality. The profound realizations, the next steps for my client as the resourceful woman she is, the understanding of how things make sense from a Child point of view, open doors to designing that life that she wants to lead.
The issues that block her are very clear and workable from this perspective. She can own complete responsibility for her actions and what she wants while I can provide new information that she did not receive the first time around.
Her grownup self can take care of her child self in such a way that she keeps the best of her early parenting and adds new aspects that give her consistent internal support.
Rather than getting caught up in the stories about the others in her life and how they are treating her, we can work from the center out. She can see the concentric circles of how she recreates old patterns. And she can learn what to do about it.
TA is known for simple, direct language. But it is not simplistic; it is understandable and recognizable to real human beings. It takes a decent amount of training to be good with TA, as with anything. It aims at high ideals, at healthy development, ok-ok relationships, autonomy and interdependence.
Although TA did not get a lasting foothold in academic psych, it is being taught and learned by people and helping professionals around the world. Perhaps the people who establish standards for counseling and psychotherapy - not to mention life coaching -are missing out on a major stepping stone when they overlook TA.
The USA Transactional Analysis association is launching introductory TA trainings around the country, as well as co-sponsoring a conference on Redecision Therapy and TA in November in New Orleans (go to www.redecisionconference.org for more info.).
As a coach, therapist, counselor... or modeler of communication, it's worth checking out.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Competent Coaches, Diverse Clientele - an evening with NorCal Professional Coaches and Mentors Association (PCMA)
When I was invited to speak at the San Francisco meeting of the PCMA, I didn't know what to expect. Would these be business or life coaches, backgrounds in business, therapy, training? Are they really practicing their craft or wannabees talking to each other? Would they be open or more competitive? Are they steeped in a particular model and interpreting the world through that lens?
The experience of the evening was a very pleasant and interesting one. The volunteers running the meeting greeted me and helped me get all the equipment situated, making sure I had a place at the dinner table. Lively conversations were going on at every table. Some members were continuing discussions that had begun in pre-meeting interest groups, including a learning lab on neuroscience with friend and colleague Janet Crawford.
A few familiar faces appeared and we renewed our acquaintance. Each person with whom I spoke knew at least several facets of coaching and were eager to share material. Among other topics, we touched on Somatic Coaching, Five Rhythms and Strozzi forms of movement awareness, Spiral Dynamics, differentiated from Five Dynamics, the Kolbe Conative Index, the Enneagram, and the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. These people had a broad understanding of the field as well as their specialties.
When we did activities as part of my program, people engaged enthusiastically. They shared ahas and insightful questions. I felt comfortable in the community of peers.
Early in my talk, I asked the group what kinds of clients they were serving. Answers included
-business leaders
-healthcare professionals
-architects
-lawyers
-county and local government employees
-federal Health and Human Services employees
-accountants
-engineers
-sales professionals
and a few more.
Even in what we are calling a down economy, coaches inside and outside organizations are assisting clients in many fields. This form of learning and development, introduced in many workplaces beginning in the late 90's, has apparently taken root.
With the overload of information and stimuli, increasing global and technical acceleration, and pressure-filled personal lives, one-on-one coaching appears to be a time-value activity that keeps people afloat. Rather than the remedial solution that used to signal a likely firing, coaching is a perk for the upwardly mobile and the people who are being stretched thin by expanding responsibilities.
It is a healthy sign for our society and organizational cultures if this is so. Many more executives, managers, and HRD departments would do well to take advantage of the available resources.
Vetting a coach is a skill set in itself, and should not be taken lightly. Competence and chemistry are very important. Potential coach clients should use references and their intuition in early conversations to determine whether a coach's offer is right for them.
With this caveat in mind, I have to say that the roomful of people who attended my talk this week struck me as highly competent, clear on what they could offer, learning from and with each other, and probably a great referral source for people in the SF Bay area ready to check out working with a coach.
I am available to refer prospective clients to coaches based on a personal knowledge of various people's work. Contact me at syntaxoffice@syntx.com and I will be glad to provide names of excellent Bay Area and East Coast coaches.
The experience of the evening was a very pleasant and interesting one. The volunteers running the meeting greeted me and helped me get all the equipment situated, making sure I had a place at the dinner table. Lively conversations were going on at every table. Some members were continuing discussions that had begun in pre-meeting interest groups, including a learning lab on neuroscience with friend and colleague Janet Crawford.
A few familiar faces appeared and we renewed our acquaintance. Each person with whom I spoke knew at least several facets of coaching and were eager to share material. Among other topics, we touched on Somatic Coaching, Five Rhythms and Strozzi forms of movement awareness, Spiral Dynamics, differentiated from Five Dynamics, the Kolbe Conative Index, the Enneagram, and the Myers Briggs Type Indicator. These people had a broad understanding of the field as well as their specialties.
When we did activities as part of my program, people engaged enthusiastically. They shared ahas and insightful questions. I felt comfortable in the community of peers.
Early in my talk, I asked the group what kinds of clients they were serving. Answers included
-business leaders
-healthcare professionals
-architects
-lawyers
-county and local government employees
-federal Health and Human Services employees
-accountants
-engineers
-sales professionals
and a few more.
Even in what we are calling a down economy, coaches inside and outside organizations are assisting clients in many fields. This form of learning and development, introduced in many workplaces beginning in the late 90's, has apparently taken root.
With the overload of information and stimuli, increasing global and technical acceleration, and pressure-filled personal lives, one-on-one coaching appears to be a time-value activity that keeps people afloat. Rather than the remedial solution that used to signal a likely firing, coaching is a perk for the upwardly mobile and the people who are being stretched thin by expanding responsibilities.
It is a healthy sign for our society and organizational cultures if this is so. Many more executives, managers, and HRD departments would do well to take advantage of the available resources.
Vetting a coach is a skill set in itself, and should not be taken lightly. Competence and chemistry are very important. Potential coach clients should use references and their intuition in early conversations to determine whether a coach's offer is right for them.
With this caveat in mind, I have to say that the roomful of people who attended my talk this week struck me as highly competent, clear on what they could offer, learning from and with each other, and probably a great referral source for people in the SF Bay area ready to check out working with a coach.
I am available to refer prospective clients to coaches based on a personal knowledge of various people's work. Contact me at syntaxoffice@syntx.com and I will be glad to provide names of excellent Bay Area and East Coast coaches.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Syntax Messengers: Creative Ideas for Communicators
The current issue on "A Deeper Understanding of Your Client's World" and all the past Syntax Messengers are archived at http://emailbrain.com/SyntaxMessenger.
Commentary on various aspects of business, life, the economy, and mostly, communication.
Commentary on various aspects of business, life, the economy, and mostly, communication.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Social Presence and Team Satisfaction
http://www.leadingvirtually.com/?p=207
Interesting commentary and research links re: social presence as an online experience.
Interesting commentary and research links re: social presence as an online experience.
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